# My joke of the day



## snake (Jun 16, 2014)

A father is walking with his son at a park when the son spots a male and female dog going at it.

Son: Daddy, what are they doing?
Dad: They are making puppies.
Son: Ow Daddy I love puppies, I want a puppy, Daddy can I have a puppy, I so much would love a puppy!

Later the next night the little boy walks by his dad’s bedroom and sees him on top of mommy.

Son: Daddy what are you doing?
Dad: We are making you a baby brother or sister.
Son: Can you turn mommy over? I’d rather have a puppy, I so much love puppies!


Feel free to add your own!


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## DarksideSix (Jun 16, 2014)

hahahahahaha.


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## DieYoungStrong (Jun 16, 2014)

HAHA. That was good.


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## ECKSRATED (Jun 16, 2014)

Hahaha nice.


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## Tren4Life (Jun 16, 2014)

Hahaha that was great. !!!


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## italian1 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lol. That was funny.


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## AlphaD (Jun 16, 2014)

Hahaha That was a good one snake........ Jada can't make puppies...he dont like doggystyle!


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## AlphaD (Jun 16, 2014)

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted: "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently: "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile: "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"


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## ken Sass (Jun 16, 2014)

good 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!


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## LeanHerm (Jun 16, 2014)

Lol thanks that was a funny


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## bubbagump (Jun 16, 2014)

Baahaaha.    Good one.


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## Gt500face (Jun 16, 2014)

Hahahahhaah!!! That's funny as ****


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## stonetag (Jun 17, 2014)

I love doggy style, feel like I'm in the pilot's seat.


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## stonetag (Jun 17, 2014)

Speaking of no arms and no legs Alpha...
A guy with no arms and legs is lying on the beach when a beautiful blonde in a bikini walks up to him and say's "oh my gosh you must of had a terrible accident" The man replied " yes I had all my appendages blown of in the war" to which the blonde replied "you poor poor man. is there anything I can do for you" the man looked her up and down and replied" to be perfectly blunt, I would really like to get fuccked" the blonde shrugging her shoulders picked up the man and threw him in the ocean and said "ok now you're fuccked, have a nice day!"


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## NbleSavage (Jun 17, 2014)

LOL@ Stonetag!! That was classic!


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## AlphaD (Jun 17, 2014)

stonetag said:


> Speaking of no arms and no legs Alpha...
> A gut with no arms and legs is lying on the beach when a beautiful blonde in a bikini walks up to him and say's "oh my gosh you must of had a terrible accident" The man replied " yes I had all my appendages blown of in the war" to which the blonde replied "you poor poor man. is there anything I can do for you" the man looked her up and down and replied" to be perfectly blunt, I would really like to get fuccked" the blonde shrugging her shoulders picked up the man and threw him in the ocean and said "ok now you're fuccked, have a nice day!"



Hahahahahaha! Thats a good one!


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## Oldebull (Jun 17, 2014)

One of my favorites:
What did the (insert generic minority of your choice, so as not to offend anybody) kid get for his birthday?


My bike dammit!


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## snake (Jun 17, 2014)

Guy goes into the doctor’s office complaining about pain in his shoulder that is shooting down his arm. Concerned, thinking he’s having a heart attack he explains his symptoms to his doctor. The doctor gives him a cup and asks him to pee in it. The doctor takes the cup and pours it into a machine, gets a paper readout. Well it looks like you have tennis elbow says the doctor. But doc, I think I’m having a heart attack! Nope, tennis elbow, that’s what the machine says so rest that arm.

Thinking the doctor is crazy he asks if he can take a cup home and try the test again in the morning; doctor agrees. Once home, to prove that this device is bullshit, he asks his wife and daughter to pee in the cup, he jerks off in it and even drips some motor oil in it from this truck.

The next morning he goes back to the doctor with the intent of show that this machine is inaccurate, give the cup to the doctor and waits. Doctor pours the contents into the machine and gets the read out. Well doc, what’s it say? 

It says your wife has Chlamydia; your daughter is pregnant; your truck needs an oil change and I’m telling ya, if you keep jerking off you’re going to aggravate that tennis elbow!


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## DieYoungStrong (Jun 17, 2014)

HAHA. Damn snake. 2 days in a row on-point!


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## Oldebull (Jun 17, 2014)

Nice Snake. I'll see your Dr. Joke and raise you one:

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife  tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."


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## snake (Jun 17, 2014)

Oldebull,

I saw that one "Comming". lol!


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## snake (Jun 18, 2014)

*Number 2*

Ok, a clean one you can tell your kids at church.

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. You neek up on it.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. The tame way, you neek up on it.


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## Hardpr (Jun 18, 2014)

i like puppies also. but id like to turn mom over every now and then


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## BigGameHunter (Jun 18, 2014)

Buckwheat is at a spelling bee:

He is asked to spell the word dictate 
He does
He is asked to use it in a sentence
He replies" Alfalfa say this dick tate good".


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## snake (Jun 19, 2014)

*Number 3*

Two guys are hiking in Montana when they see a grizzly bear moving through the woods and headed toward them. The one guy says, “Ow my God, don't panic, I heard you should not show fear and whatever you do, don't run. A grizzly can outrun even the fastest human.”

The other guy slowly sits down, takes off his hiking boots and start to put on a pair of sneakers.

 “What the hell are you doing? I just told you we can't outrun a grizzly bear!” And they guy replies,” I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you”


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## Jada (Jun 19, 2014)

Lmfao guys!


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## Armedanddangerous (Jun 19, 2014)

One of my favorites

Went to the doctors office and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!!!
 I was embarrassed but she said, "don't worry, I'm a professional-I've seen it all before.just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out"

I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny"


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## Oldebull (Jun 19, 2014)

The young jewish boy asks his dad for 5 dollars.
His father says"
Four dollars, vot do you vant three dollars for?


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## Get Some (Jun 19, 2014)

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office one day and the doctor is bowled over by her stunningly good looks and all his professionalism goes right out the window...

 He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

 "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
 "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

 He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

 Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

 She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I'm here!"


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## #TheMatrix (Jun 19, 2014)

I make puppies every night....


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## snake (Jun 19, 2014)

#TheMatrix said:


> I make puppies every night....



You''re going to make the Bitch sore that much.

The puppy joke seems to be a big hit!


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## stonetag (Jun 19, 2014)

Armedanddangerous said:


> One of my favorites
> 
> Went to the doctors office and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!!!
> I was embarrassed but she said, "don't worry, I'm a professional-I've seen it all before.just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out"
> ...


My doc is sweet looking, hopefully she plays along...lol


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## NbleSavage (Jun 20, 2014)

stonetag said:


> My doc is sweet looking, hopefully she plays along...lol



Make some little Doctor Puppies, Mate.


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## snake (Jun 20, 2014)

*number 4*

An Italian, Irishman and a Pole are out to eat. The Italian says, "I do love being in the US but sometimes there are things from home I miss" The Irishman asks" Like What?" The Italian replies" In Italy we have some of the finest wine and the nicest people to drink it with".

The Irishman says," Ah, I know what you mean, we have some nice taverns back in my home town where the pints flow as cheap as the stories of days gone by"

The Pole, not to be out done speaks up and says," Well back in my country, you can go into a tavern and if you've never been there before, they give you your first 5 drinks for free. Ow, and then they will take you upstairs where you can have sex for free, now that's a good country!"

The Italian says" Wow, that's something, has this happen to you often? The Pole replies; "No, but it happens all the time to my sister"


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## Joliver (Jun 22, 2014)

How do the Greeks separate the men from the boys?  With a crowbar.


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## stonetag (Jun 22, 2014)

How's that baklava taste now sucka?


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## RISE (Jun 22, 2014)

Why has Ken never gotten Barbie pregnant?

Bc he always cums in another box


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## Armedanddangerous (Jun 22, 2014)

Lets see how this goes......

What can a picnic table do that a black man can't?


Support a family


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## Armedanddangerous (Jun 25, 2014)

I can't believe one black joke killed this thread!!!!! I figured trini would at least say something being that he has a good sence of humor

Wow people, It's called a stereotype and stereotypes ARE funny.........(maybe I'm wrong) lol


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## TriniJuice (Jun 25, 2014)

Armedanddangerous said:


> Lets see how this goes......
> 
> What can a picnic table do that a black man can't?
> 
> ...



lmao; 
thats why all my kids get flushed down the toilet.......asap
or swallowed...circle of life


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## TriniJuice (Jun 25, 2014)

Armedanddangerous said:


> I can't believe one black joke killed this thread!!!!! I figured trini would at least say something being that he has a good sence of humor
> 
> Wow people, It's called a stereotype and stereotypes ARE funny.........(maybe I'm wrong) lol



it would've been 10x funnier if the thread got closed and you had the last post
:32 (18)::32 (18):


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## Pinkbear (Jun 25, 2014)

Do you like fish sticks?


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## Armedanddangerous (Jun 26, 2014)

TriniJuice said:


> it would've been 10x funnier if the thread got closed and you had the last post
> :32 (18)::32 (18):



Hahaha yep you're right, thanks for the save lol


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## pee.you.em.pee (Jun 26, 2014)

lol good shit.


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## snake (Jun 27, 2014)

*Number 5*

Two guys, Tom and Pete who have been friends since childhood love the game of football. They played it together back in high school and as they got older would watch the games together; college games, pros, they even went to the local games. Both were in their later years and one day Tom asked Pete,” Do you think there’s football in heaven?” Pete said,” I hope so!” So they decided whoever goes first would try to contact the one left on earth with the answer.

Sadly one day Tom passed on. That night while Pete was just about to fall asleep, Tom appeared at the foot of his bed. Pete said,” I'm sorry you're gone Tom but can you answer the question about football in heaven?” Tom said,” Well Pete, I have good news and bad news; the good news is that there is truly football in heaven, the bad new is you scheduled to start on Sunday”


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## Oldebull (Jul 1, 2014)

Did you hear about the 2 gay Irishmen?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.


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## TriniJuice (Jul 1, 2014)

Here's a good one;
I don't steal wallets or purses :32 (10):


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## Trauma RN (Jul 2, 2014)

LOL Funny funny


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## AlphaD (Jul 2, 2014)

A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, mummy?" Her mum said, using a well-worn phrase "The good Lord sent you". "And did Lord send you too, mummy?" "Yes, dear, He did". "And grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl. Again the answer was "Yes". The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so cranky!"


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## snake (Jul 2, 2014)

^^That's my problem!^^


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## stonetag (Jul 3, 2014)

So this young guy from back east (sorry guys) wanted to get away from it all so he moved out west to the middle of nowhere in Wyoming and bought a little land. A couple of years past with no human contact except getting supplies in town over 50 miles away. One day out in the back forty he heard someone yelling, he turned around and a man on a horse rode up, said hi and damn I didn't know I had a neighbor. Introduced himself and said he lived up over the hill and that he was having a big shindig Saturday night. The man said going to be a wild affair, lots of booze and dancing, the young man said sounds great haven't had a drink in a while and surely haven't danced. The man say's oh it's going to get crazy, lot's of hot slippery sex! The young guy's eye's got all wide and say's yes, goddamn I need to get laid! sounds like a big party the young man say's, who's all going to be there? The man say's so far just you and me son!


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## lightweight (Jul 3, 2014)

Sounds like my Saturday night


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## snake (Jul 7, 2014)

*One you can tell the children*

Two guys from Kentucky go to the auction; each buy a horse. Once done with their purchase, they get ready to load the horses up on the trailer when the one says to the other,” Hay I’ll put a notch in my horses ear so I know that my horse." The other guy replies, “Good idea, I’ll crop my horses tail a little so I know that’s my horse. As the auctioneer walks by he says, don’t do that to those poor horses! How about you take the white one and you take the black one?”


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## AlphaD (Jul 7, 2014)

"Mum" he said "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?" "Certainly" mum said. "What are they?"

"Pussy and bitch". Mum inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly. "Oh, that's easy" she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy".

Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him. So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage.

"Dad" Craig said "the guys at school are using words I don't understand". "What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings". "Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you".

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold and drew a circle around the pubic area.

"Everything inside the circle is pussy" he said. "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" "Everything outside the circle".


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## Tren4Life (Jul 7, 2014)

So a thief breaks into a house in the middle of the night. 
Shines his flashlight around the room and scopes out the big screen tv and the surround sound system in the corner. After making one trip to his car he decided to return to get the tv when he heard a voice say " Jesus is watching you" he turns out his flashlight and gets real still. Again " Jesus is watching you" so he turns his flashlight back on and shines it about do the room and he sees a parot in it's cage. Again " Jesus is watching you" the thief says what's your name parot? The parrot says " my name is Moses" the thief says what kind of people name a parrot Moses? Parrot says " the same kind of people the name a Rottweiler Jesus "


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## DieYoungStrong (Jul 7, 2014)

A single mother is raising her son. As he gets older and becomes curious about girls, the mother tells him to watch out for women, and that their vaginas are lined with teeth, so he better not go poking around down there because he'll be sorry.

Years later, he is 30 and still a virgin, always fearful of women and their pussy teeth. He goes on a few dates with a nice girl, and she starts begging him for sex. He keeps telling her that he is not going to be fooled and bitten by her and her teeth. 

Finally, she drops her pants and says, "Check it out for yourself, there aren't any teeth in my pussy!" The man has a look for himself, and says, "Ok, it's true that you don't have any teeth, but your gums are in real bad condition!"


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## Get Some (Jul 9, 2014)

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

 The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"


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## LeanHerm (Jul 9, 2014)

Lmao we'll said gs.


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## Iron1 (Jul 9, 2014)

What's the difference between hockey players and hippie chicks?















Hockey players take a shower after 3 periods.


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## Iron1 (Jul 15, 2014)

"Give it to me" she yelled.
"I'm so fukking wet, give it to me now!"



She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.


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## snake (Jul 15, 2014)

A Polack comes home and finds his wife having sex with another man in their own bed. The Polack runs downstairs to the gun cabinet, loads his 45 auto and heads back upstairs. The wife is screaming at him not to do anything stupid. He puts the gun to his own head and the wife starts to laugh at him. The husband says, “ What’s so funny bitch? You’re next!”


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## AlphaD (Jul 22, 2014)

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law! One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".


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## Armedanddangerous (Jul 22, 2014)

Q: What do gingers look forward to later on in life? 






A: Grey Hair


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## Armedanddangerous (Jul 22, 2014)

A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?" 
The ginger says, "I want a huge mansion with a hundred rooms and twenty floors, all made of pure gold."
 The genie looks at him and says, "don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That's impossible. Pick something else." 
So the ginger says, "I want everyone to stop making fun of my hair colour." 
The genie says, "So this mansion, you want suite bathrooms?"


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## M_T Pockets (Jul 22, 2014)

Get Some said:


> A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
> 
> The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"


Thats hilarious


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## Armedanddangerous (Jul 26, 2014)

I know this is stupid but it makes me laugh

Why do Polish names end in "ski"    



Because they can't spell toboggan


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## Redrum1327 (Jul 26, 2014)

Whats the difference between Jam and jelly ?

I cant jelly my cock down her throat !!!


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## stonetag (Dec 1, 2014)

Heard kind of a funny one,
Two guys go visit a whore, first guy goes in the room comes out ten minutes later, "shit man my wife is way better than that!", second guy goes in comes out in ten minutes " fuk yes, your wife IS better than that!"

Keep smilin' fellas


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## Maijah (Dec 1, 2014)

Have you guys heard about the new drug they just came out with for depressed lesbians?

Tridixagin


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## Armedanddangerous (Feb 5, 2015)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.  "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


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## stonetag (Feb 5, 2015)

^^^That's funny!


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## stonetag (Feb 5, 2015)

A guy is working out at the gym and a sweet young woman walks in, the guy corners a trainer real quick and asks him what machine should I use to impress that hot woman over there? The trainer looks at the woman, then at the guy, and says, the machine out in the lobby that says ATM would do!


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## AlphaD (Feb 5, 2015)

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!" The woman thought "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivalled a fog horn blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"


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## Tren4Life (Feb 5, 2015)

^^^^^ hahahaha 
Mrs Steel is laughing like hell !!!


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## Beefcake (Feb 5, 2015)

Once there was a King and he believed that one out of three of his men was ****ing his daughter.  There was a blacksmith, a jester and a knight.  So the King decided to put a razor blade in his daughters pussy.  So after a week he calls the three men to come see him.  He tells the first one to pull down his pants.  He does and his dick is still there.  He tells the second one to pull down his pants.  He does and his dick is still there.  Then he tells the third one, who he is convinced is the one ****ing his daughter.  He pulls down his pants and his dick is still there.  The King, being surprised appologizes to the third man and when the man opens his mouth his tongue falls out.

An old one I know.


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## stonetag (Feb 5, 2015)

Colonel Engus. HAHA


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## snake (Feb 5, 2015)

Glad this thread got resurrected; keep up the good work!


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## TriniJuice (Feb 5, 2015)

here's one;

A noob joins and ask about Dr. Tillacles contact info;
and was serious about it......


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## Iron1 (Feb 5, 2015)

Fitness?

More like fitness whole pizza in my mouth.


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## Armedanddangerous (Feb 5, 2015)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.  Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."


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## OooThats (Feb 5, 2015)

stonetag said:


> Colonel Engus. HAHA


Colonel Engus leaves a funny taste in my mouth


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## mickems (Feb 5, 2015)

hey. any of you guys remember back in school we used to tell those  jokes-- what's grosser than gross?


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## stonetag (Feb 5, 2015)

mickems said:


> hey. any of you guys remember back in school we used to tell those  jokes-- what's grosser than gross?


When I went to school there were no jokes, just walking uphill both ways to school, and we were happy.


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## stonetag (Feb 5, 2015)

You think you were poor. Classic shit right here!


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## mickems (Feb 5, 2015)

stonetag said:


> You think you were poor. Classic shit right here!



Luxury! I love britcom.


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## BigGameHunter (Feb 5, 2015)

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year"

This sounds just like my first wife.


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## Bro Bundy (Feb 5, 2015)

jack and jill wont up the hill both witha buck and a quarter  ...jill came down with 2.50 that fukkin slut


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## Armedanddangerous (Feb 6, 2015)

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". 

So he stabs her and takes her purse.


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## mickems (Feb 6, 2015)

teenage girl is going to her high school prom and promises her boyfriend that they can use her dads car. 
girl asks"Dad, can I borrow the car tonight for the prom?"
dad says" sure, but you have to blow me first"
" I am your daughter, for gods sake! I am not doing that"
"suit yourself, I guess you don't get to use the car then"
around mid afternoon, the daughter starts to get desperate.
"please daddy, can I borrow the car tonite?"
"sure, but you know what you have to do" he says as he strts to unzip his pants.
she says" I told you forget it, I'm not doing that"
so its 7pm and she needs that car to pick up her boyfriend.
"daddy please?"
he looks at her and shrugs his shoulders and starts to walk away.
she says with disgust "oh,alright, i'll do it".
she starts to give him a blowjob but then pulls away and spits.
"eeewwwww! this tastes like sh_t!
"I know" he says " your brother borrowed the car this afternoon"


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## mickems (Feb 6, 2015)

okay. couldn't help myself. here's another one. 

What's grosser than gross?

Popping an 8" boner with only 6" of skin.


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## BigGameHunter (Feb 7, 2015)

Get Some said:


> A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
> 
> The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"



Sorry GS should have read back 6 months.  

Reparations will be made with in the normal SI guidelines.


----------



## snake (Feb 26, 2015)




----------



## stonetag (Feb 26, 2015)

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000." 

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."

The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."


----------



## stonetag (Feb 27, 2015)

stonetag said:


> Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."
> 
> He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."
> 
> ...


I t was the snatch word right?


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Feb 27, 2015)

What's long and hard on a black man?



The third grade hahahaha


----------



## TriniJuice (Feb 27, 2015)

Armedanddangerous said:


> What's long and hard on a black man?
> 
> 
> 
> The third grade hahahaha



Or a police baton;
good times.......goood times


----------



## stonetag (Mar 28, 2015)

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


----------



## Joliver (Mar 28, 2015)

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"


----------



## stonetag (Apr 13, 2015)




----------



## mickems (Apr 30, 2015)

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? 


Beer nuts are $1.39, and deer nuts are under a buck.


----------



## Itburnstopee (May 4, 2015)

A man has a horrible ant problem in his house. He goes to the store to buy some poison. While looking at all the different labels and bottles of poison, he is unsure what to get. He grabs one that reads ant killer and goes to check out. 
Man "is this any good for ants?"
Cashier "nope... It'll kill em!"


Edit: just kill me now for this shitty joke.


----------



## Itburnstopee (May 4, 2015)

Here's one my dad told me:

A man is on a business trip and decided to check out the local area. He goes into a bar and gets a drink. While enjoying his drink and watching the game, he notices a horse in the corner. Glancing at it, he notices see people making faces at it whispering in its ear etc. there's a barel that's full of cash and the man asks the bar tender "whats up with the horse?"
Bar tender "oh, that's a little contest we've had for years. If you can make that horse laugh then the barrel an the cash is yours."
Man "how often does it laugh?"
Bar tender "no one has ever made the damn thing so much as grin"
Intrigued, the man gets up and walks over to the horse. He whispers in its ear. The horse starts to get wide eyed like it just became alert. It's teeth start to show and eyes begin to water. In seconds the horse has started crying with laughter. So the man takes his money and leaves. 

Now years later the man is back on business. He visits the same bar and the horse is still laughing. People are threatening it and speaking to it. There's a barrel again, so he asks what the deal is now. 
Tender "ever since you came here that ****ing horse won't shut its mouth. If you make it stop the money is yours."
The man gets up and has his back to everyone but the horse. He kinda bends a bit and the horse stops cold. It starts crying, hysterically. Now it's in fetal position balling its eyes out. The man goes to leae with his money and the bar tender stops him.
Tender "hey buddy wtf is the deal, five years ago you make it laugh as now you made it cry?!"
Man "five years ago I told it my dick was bigger than his. I just showed him!"


----------



## stonetag (May 4, 2015)

A little boy writes to Santa...Santa, send me a brother. Santa writes back...SEND ME YOUR MOTHER!


----------



## akg (May 20, 2015)

How do you get a nun pregnant.......  dress her up like an alter boy.


----------



## akg (May 20, 2015)

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys.  ......Steve Nash


----------



## Itburnstopee (May 20, 2015)

akg said:


> What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys.  ......One of the kardashian sisters



Fixed it for you


----------



## AlphaD (May 20, 2015)

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said "Its golf balls". The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 4, 2015)

A 90-year old man said to his doctor "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang" and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year old said "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver". The doctor said "My point exactly".


----------



## TriniJuice (Jun 4, 2015)

I turn purple in the sun.....


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 4, 2015)

TriniJuice said:


> I turn purple in the sun.....



Really not a joke Trini.   Put that under title.... Truth of the day.


----------



## NbleSavage (Jun 5, 2015)

Why don't boxers have sex before a fight?

Because they're not attracted to each other.


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 6, 2015)

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs


Kunts-way-low


----------



## Itburnstopee (Jun 6, 2015)

Armedanddangerous said:


> What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs
> 
> 
> Kunts-way-low



I usually call her Consuela


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 6, 2015)

ItBurnsToPee said:


> I usually call her Consuela



That's what I said lol


----------



## Itburnstopee (Jun 6, 2015)

Armedanddangerous said:


> That's what I said lol



Lmfao I'm dumb. Just got it


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 7, 2015)

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I 
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 9, 2015)

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 10, 2015)

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When
she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans
all gathered around to hear the details. She said,
"Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but
he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow
job would be $75, but he did not have that much either.
Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marine
said he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all I
can give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after getting
the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one
hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one."
She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,
"Then I put the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!
Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" 
‪


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 10, 2015)

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain" sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well" sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider".


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 10, 2015)

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me". The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewellery department and gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but okay if you like it then let's get it!"

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register".

The husband says "No no no... honey we're not going to buy all this stuff".

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey... I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while".

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"


----------



## cybrsage (Jun 10, 2015)

There was a town of Jews and a town of Trids at the base of a mountain.  Trids are like Smurfs, only they do not sing an annoying song all day long.  One day, a Jewish religious teacher was looking at the mountain and he saw a bunch of Trids climb to the top.  Of course, there is a wise man at the top of the mountain, and they went to see him.  When they got to the top, the wise man boots them all back down the mountain.  This goes on for days, the Trids climb the mountain and BOOT, down the mountain they roll.  The Jewish religious teacher is baffled and decides to find out why.
He climbs the mountain and cautiously pulls himself up the last bit to the top, expecting to be booted back down the mountain, but it does not happen.  Going to the wise man, the Jewish religious teacher asks why he boots the Trids but did not boot him.  The wise man respons, "Oh Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!"


----------



## BigGameHunter (Jun 10, 2015)

A young mother is in the kitchen listening to her young son play with his toy train. 
The boy says, All you son of a biches that want on get on. Any of you MFs want off get off!
The mom tells the boy that's improper and gives him a 2 hour time out

Later the mom hears the boy playing with the train and hears:
Thank you for traveling with us here is your stop. New passengers please stow your luggage above in the compartment above
Those of you pissed about the 2 hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen


----------



## BigGameHunter (Jun 10, 2015)

A father shows up early to pick up his son from his xwifes house.
The boy is sitting on the steps with a confused look on his face. 
The boy asks dad what is the difference between a pus** and a cun*?
The father creeps into his still sleeping x wife's room and raises the blanket and whispers that's a pus**.
The boy says can I touch it?
Dad says fuk no you will wake up the cun*


----------



## cybrsage (Jun 10, 2015)

There was a benevolent king of a backwards nation.  His subjects were all happy, living in their grass huts, and the king was happy in his two story grass palace.  The king loved thrones, and the people knew it.  Every year for his birthday they gave him a new throne.  The entire kingdom would gather in his palace and present the new throne to his look of joy and glee.  He could never part with the old throne, so he had them store it in the upper floor.
One year, after getting the new throne, the old throne was placed in the upper floor and the upper floor collapsed under the weight, killing everyone in the kingdom.  What is the moral of the story?

He who lives in grass houses should not stow thrones...


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 12, 2015)

The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!"


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 12, 2015)

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"


----------



## cybrsage (Jun 13, 2015)

Come on, were my jokes really that bad?  I liked them!


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 13, 2015)

cybrsage said:


> Come on, were my jokes really that bad?  I liked them!


Yes. Yes they were.


----------



## Seeker (Jun 13, 2015)

3 guys arrive at the gates of heaven. The gate keeper asks the 1st guy. Where you a good faithful husband?" Guy answers " yes, yes I was" ok you get to ride around heaven in our fancy limo and you get a driver too. Next says, " well I had one affair but that was it!" Ok you get a little sedan to drive around in. 3rd guys says " I fuked around all the time! Sorry couldn't help it" ok you have to pedal around in this cheap bicycle. So one day the guy on the bicycle sees the guy with the limo and the dude was crying in the back seat. He asks. " dude, why are you crying? You get to be  chauffeured in that fancy limo all over the place" the guy in the limo says" I just saw my wife pedal by on a broke down bicycle"


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 13, 2015)

Seeker said:


> 3 guys arrive at the gates of heaven. The gate keeper asks the 1st guy. Where you a good faithful husband?" Guy answers " yes, yes I was" ok you get to ride around heaven in our fancy limo and you get a driver too. Next says, " well I had one affair but that was it!" Ok you get a little sedan to drive around in. 3rd guys says " I fuked around all the time! Sorry couldn't help it" ok you have to pedal around in this cheap bicycle. So one day the guy on the bicycle sees the guy with the limo and the dude was crying in the back seat. He asks. " dude, why are you crying? You get to be  chauffeured in that fancy limo all over the place" the guy in the limo says" I just saw my wife pedal by on a broke down bicycle"


I don't get it


----------



## Seeker (Jun 13, 2015)

PillarofBalance said:


> I don't get it



I'm gonna explain it.


----------



## NbleSavage (Jun 13, 2015)

A Crossfitter is invited hunting on his friend's wild game preserve. 

As he plods through the woods, the CF encounters a beautiful female hunter, laying provocatively in a bed of soft grass & nude but for her rifle and bandolier. 

He approaches slowly and the woman smiles up wantonly at him. 

He smiles back and asks her "You game?" She nods and says "Oh yes..."

So he shot her.


----------



## BigGameHunter (Jun 13, 2015)

^^^I thought they would start doing jumping jacks


----------



## stonetag (Jun 14, 2015)

A man comes home with a sheep under his arm and says  "honey I would like you to meet  the pig that I sleep with when you say you have a head ache."

His wife looks up and says you fuking moron can’t you tell the difference between a pig and a sheep. 

He  says "I wasn’t talking to you!


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 14, 2015)

Seeker said:


> I'm gonna explain it.


So explain it.


----------



## stonetag (Jun 14, 2015)

Armedanddangerous said:


> A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"


 Ok brother sheep joke showdown...

An Aussie is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm, a man yells out " are you shearing today mate?" the man says "nope gonna fuk'em both meself!"


----------



## Seeker (Jun 14, 2015)

PillarofBalance said:


> So explain it.



Husband gets a limo for being faithful. Wife gets a bicycle for cheating.


----------



## NbleSavage (Jun 14, 2015)

A man's wife phones him from her office. She says, "Three of the girls in the office have just received flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

The man says "Well that's probably why they received flowers..."


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 14, 2015)

Seeker said:


> Husband gets a limo for being faithful. Wife gets a bicycle for cheating.


Oooooooooh... ok.


----------



## Seeker (Jun 14, 2015)

PillarofBalance said:


> Oooooooooh... ok.



I should have given you an infraction for not getting my joke.


----------



## stonetag (Jun 14, 2015)

You always hear about Russian Roulette, how about some other lesser known forms....
French Roulette - point the gun to your head, but run away
 American Roulette - use a machine gun
 Jewish Roulette - don't use bullets, because they're expensive
 German Roulette - insist on playing with 6 Jews, and go last
 Irish Roulette - load all 6 chambers with bullets, and go first
 Brazilian Roulette - play it in a train station
 Muslim Roulette - use a bomb instead of a gun
 Black Roulette - steal the gun and rob everybody in the room
 Norfolk Roulette - a game for the whole family, play with your mother, father, brother, sister, grandpa and grandma, until one of you dies and the other wins
 Welsh Roulette - **** a sheep
 Chinese Roulette - shoot someone else, nobody will be able to tell the difference
 Ginger Roulette - just keep pulling the trigger


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 14, 2015)

Seeker said:


> I should have given you an infraction for not getting my joke.


I should permaban you for telling a lousy joke...

Actually see if you can give me an infraction. Curious if you even can.


----------



## Seeker (Jun 14, 2015)

PillarofBalance said:


> I should permaban you for telling a lousy joke...
> 
> Actually see if you can give me an infraction. Curious if you even can.



Lol. No I cannot


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 14, 2015)

seeker said:


> lol. No i cannot



sovereign immunity bitch!!!!


----------



## Seeker (Jun 14, 2015)

PillarofBalance said:


> sovereign immunity bitch!!!!


Lol my joke was funny, you're just boring.


----------



## Itburnstopee (Jun 14, 2015)

To get to the other side


----------



## stonetag (Jun 14, 2015)

ItBurnsToPee said:


> To get to the other side



I think there is a chicken part to that?


----------



## Joliver (Jun 14, 2015)

Q: what's better than winning a Special Olympic gold metal?



A: Not being retarded.


----------



## Joliver (Jun 14, 2015)

How do you outrun a Jewish cop? 


Take the toll road.


----------



## Joliver (Jun 14, 2015)

A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "yes i am Adolph Hitler, I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Canadian." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Canadian?" Hitler says "see what i mean, no one cares about the jews."


----------



## Joliver (Jun 14, 2015)

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken


----------



## PillarofBalance (Jun 14, 2015)

joliver said:


> What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
> 
> Christopher Walken


Christopher Living


----------



## Itburnstopee (Jun 14, 2015)

joliver said:


> What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
> 
> Christopher Walken



Christopher notdead


----------



## TriniJuice (Jun 14, 2015)

Is it possible to die in a living room.....


----------



## Joliver (Jun 14, 2015)

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


----------



## NbleSavage (Jun 14, 2015)

You know those thermoses that keep the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold?

How do it know?...


----------



## Magical (Jun 15, 2015)

A Bartender starts his shift to 3 gay guys at the bar. All 3 of the gay guys looked sad and each had an urn. The bartender asked the 1st gay what he was doing with the urn. The gay replied that his lover died, he loved the swimming so he was going to spread his ashes in the sea. The bartender asked the 2nd gay what he was going to do with his urn. The gay replied his lover loved hiking so he was going to spread his ashes in the mountains. The bartender asked the 3rd gay where he was going to spread his ashes. The gay replied that he was going to spread his lovers ashes in a pot of chili. The bartender asked why a pot if chili? The 3rd gay said so he can tear this ass up one more time lmao


----------



## GenetixSupreme (Jun 15, 2015)

Lol wow snake.


----------



## tunafisherman (Jun 16, 2015)

So Hillary Clinton just finished up her first campaign speech and was headed back to her luxury hotel.  It was late but her driver said they should be there in about 30 minutes.  She told him to hurry, so he sped through the country roads.  An old cow suddenly appeared.  The driver tried to swerve and stop but failed, hit the cow and killed it.  Hillary was furious and demanded that the driver go to the farmhouse and explain that he had killed their old cow.  She also said that if they wanted any compensation for the old cow it was coming out of his pocket because it was his fault.

So the farmer went up to the farm house and Hillary stayed in the vehicle making calls.  About 40 minutes later the driver returns, cigar in hand drinking from a half empty bottle of expensive scotch, and clothes all disheveled.  Hillary asked "What happened in there and how did you end up like this?". The driver responded, "Well, first the old farmer gave me the cigar, then the wife asked if I wanted a drink, and after some time the two daughters made passionate love to me.". 

Hillary asked, "Why would they do that?". The Driver responded, "I don't know.  As soon as I stepped in the door I said 'I am Hillary Clintons driver and I just killed the old cow.'. The rest happened so quickly I don't know quite how to explain it!"


It's a long one, but I laughed.


----------



## Magical (Jun 17, 2015)

An old cajun joke

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are chilling on Boudreauxs porch, having a few beers. Boudreauxs dog was on the porch going to town licking his junk. Thibodeaux says "Look at that old dog, I wish I could do that". Boudreaux says "Me too, but Im afraid he might bite me" lmao


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 17, 2015)

A guy went out duck hunting, when a very powerful gust of wind blew, which caused his gun to fall over and discharge, and shoot him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. 

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot".

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister".

"Well I guess that isn't too bad" the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly" answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in a symphony orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.


----------



## AlphaD (Jun 17, 2015)

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at "Lovers' Cove" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. "NO!" yelled the blonde. 

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. "NO!" the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. 

"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy. 

"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde looked at him and said "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 21, 2015)

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.


----------



## cybrsage (Jun 21, 2015)

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jun 24, 2015)

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"


----------



## cybrsage (Jun 24, 2015)

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY replies, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


----------



## IWannaGetBig (Jun 24, 2015)

Magical said:


> An old cajun joke
> 
> Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are chilling on Boudreauxs porch, having a few beers. Boudreauxs dog was on the porch going to town licking his junk. Thibodeaux says "Look at that old dog, I wish I could do that". Boudreaux says "Me too, but Im afraid he might bite me" lmao



This is a funny joke, but best told by the original comedian, Lewis Grizzard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooJvKARiums


----------



## beasto (Jun 25, 2015)

That was a damn good one, brought a smile to my face and a good laugh!!!


----------



## cybrsage (Jun 26, 2015)

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother. She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course. She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."


----------



## John Ziegler (Jul 14, 2015)

whats grosser than gross ? when you open the refrigerator door and a rump roast farts in your face. :32 (13):


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Jul 28, 2015)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. Holmes wakes Watson in the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.

Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Someone stole our tent".


----------



## Magical (Jul 28, 2015)

IWannaGetBig said:


> This is a funny joke, but best told by the original comedian, Lewis Grizzard.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooJvKARiums



Yeah all we get is the cajun version down here


----------



## IWannaGetBig (Jul 30, 2015)

Magical said:


> Yeah all we get is the cajun version down here



I first heard of Lewis Grizzard it the early 90's when someone gave me a book of his to read. I barely got through that book and knew I had to see him live. It's good clean humor with innuendos throughout.


----------



## AlphaD (Aug 14, 2015)

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breast".

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis".

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 feet. "That was great" the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"


----------



## j2048b (Aug 14, 2015)

my son asks me this the other day:

why did the super hero flush the toilet?

i said hell i dont know, 

he laughs and said:

BECAUSE IT WAS HIS DUDY..... HAHAHAHA i lost it i was laughing pretty damn hard!


----------



## HydroEJP88 (Aug 14, 2015)

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.

The bartender asks him "what can I get you?"

The guy replies "get me a beer, and one for the road"


----------



## Magical (Aug 15, 2015)

IWannaGetBig said:


> I first heard of Lewis Grizzard it the early 90's when someone gave me a book of his to read. I barely got through that book and knew I had to see him live. It's good clean humor with innuendos throughout.



I forgot all about him. Its been awhile, you have a good memory man


----------



## silvereyes87 (Aug 17, 2015)

snake said:


> A father is walking with his son at a park when the son spots a male and female dog going at it.
> 
> Son: Daddy, what are they doing?
> Dad: They are making puppies.
> ...


Lol not bad


----------



## stonetag (Aug 17, 2015)

Game warden walks up on a guy with a pile of ducks in front of him and says" you're way over limit on these ducks", the guy says "I shot them in different states", Warden says" is that a fact, lets just see shall we". The Warden reaches in the pile of ducks pulls one out, shoves his finger up its ass, smells it and say's" that is a Montana duck, you got a Montana license?" yes sir right here...ok the Warden say's, reaches back into the pile pulls another one ,shoves his finger up it's ass smells it, and says, "now that's a Wyoming duck" guy shows him his Wyoming license before he asks. He reaches in the pile one more time, pulls out a duck, shoves his finger in its ass, smells it, "That there is a Nevada duck", boom, guy has his Nevada license out. The warden say's "well you're legal, where in the hell are you from? the guy drops his pants and say's "why don't you tell me!!!"


----------



## HydroEJP88 (Aug 17, 2015)

Yucky lmao


----------



## Lilo (Aug 29, 2015)

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty


----------



## Itburnstopee (Sep 8, 2015)

"This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder. I heard great things about my ladder, such as that he once supported three people."


----------



## ToolSteel (Sep 8, 2015)

Lilo said:


> What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
> A sunken chest with no booty



That one made me laugh out loud


----------



## AlphaD (Sep 8, 2015)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimised men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.


----------



## Iron1 (Sep 8, 2015)

How many screws does a lesbians bed have?

None, it's all tongue and groove.


----------



## Assassin32 (Sep 8, 2015)

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. 

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache".

The woman says " that's a sheep you moron".

The man says " I was talking to the sheep".


----------



## stonetag (Sep 8, 2015)

Good old sheep jokes, can't go wrong.


----------



## Itburnstopee (Sep 8, 2015)

AlphaD said:


> Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer '.
> 
> The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
> 
> ...



My god..... What kind of world are we living in........


----------



## Itburnstopee (Sep 8, 2015)

"What are you feeding that thing peanuts?" Still never fails to make me lose my shit


----------



## Iron1 (Sep 11, 2015)

Somebody stole my mood ring from my gym bag last night.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.


----------



## stonetag (Oct 20, 2015)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!

I think this one is old, but it just cracked me right the fuk up! This one made my morning too-

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''


----------



## stonetag (Oct 29, 2016)

*Bump* Is this a typical woman response or what?

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"


----------



## John Ziegler (Nov 12, 2016)

How come Barbie never had any children ?


----------



## Bro Bundy (Nov 12, 2016)

what did the blind old man say when passing the fish market???  Mornin ladies..


----------



## CardinalJacked (Nov 12, 2016)

Women's rights


----------



## John Ziegler (Nov 13, 2016)

Zeigler said:


> How come Barbie never had any children ?



Because Ken came in a an other box.


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Nov 13, 2016)

CardinalJacked said:


> Women's rights



Hahahahahahahaha now that's a joke


----------



## Armedanddangerous (Nov 13, 2016)

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat..................she fits in your wife's clothes hahahaha


----------



## John Ziegler (Nov 13, 2016)

Armedanddangerous said:


> How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat..................she fits in your wife's clothes hahahaha



Whats the difference between a joke and three dicks ? 

Your mom cant take a joke.


----------



## saltylifter (Nov 13, 2016)

That was funny nice snake.
Thanks for that


----------



## automatondan (Nov 14, 2016)

Why cant you run through a campground?


----------



## automatondan (Nov 14, 2016)

Because its past tents..........


----------



## NbleSavage (Nov 14, 2016)

automatonDan said:


> Because its past tents..........



I see what you did there


----------



## ToolSteel (Nov 14, 2016)

automatonDan said:


> Because its past tents..........



Someone is clearly a dad...


:32 (18):


----------



## automatondan (Nov 14, 2016)

NbleSavage said:


> I see what you did there





ToolSteel said:


> Someone is clearly a dad...
> 
> 
> :32 (18):



Theres plenty more where that came from, ive been practicing for years.... I just dont want to overwhelm you guys and have you fall off your chairs at work...


----------



## tunafisherman (Nov 14, 2016)

Hillary as a president


----------



## BRICKS (Nov 19, 2016)

Guy goes into a bar, orders a club soda. 
 Bartender: "Seriously? Since when do ou drink club soda?"
 Guy:  "Man last night I had way too much, got hammered, went home and blew chunks".  
Bartender :  "Ah ya big pussy, everyone gets sick once in a while"
Guy: Nah man you don't understand, Chunks is my dog"


----------



## squatsandpumps (Jan 18, 2017)

What did the sushi say to the bee?




Wasabi?!


----------



## RISE (Jan 18, 2017)

Edit:  goddammit I wrote the same joke as Bricks.  Lol


----------



## Live2Train (Jan 18, 2017)

haha, good one bro!


----------



## MattyB (Jan 18, 2017)

Q: Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam?

A: I can't Jelly my dick into your sister!


----------



## BRICKS (Jan 18, 2017)

MattyB said:


> Q: Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam?
> 
> A: I can't Jelly my dick into your sister!



Haha, I actually did laugh out loud.


----------



## Mathews (Feb 26, 2017)

hahahhahah


----------



## Superhenry (Mar 30, 2017)

HAHAHAHAHA. Why did I laugh even though this is old?


----------



## John Ziegler (Feb 16, 2018)

If I used a shake weight do you think I could get arms like your mom ?


----------



## NbleSavage (Feb 17, 2018)

So I was on Amazon last night and I bought a chicken and an egg.

I'll let you know.


----------



## John Ziegler (Feb 20, 2018)

The teacher asked me to turn in my essay 

said no way homes i aint no snitch


----------



## John Ziegler (Jul 7, 2018)

what does a gluten free fad dieter & a vegan have in common 

Crossfit


----------



## John Ziegler (Jul 25, 2018)




----------



## John Ziegler (Nov 27, 2018)

who's been together for the past 48 years ? 

Deez Nuts !


----------



## IHI (Nov 27, 2018)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”


“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”


The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”


Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”


Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.


Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.


“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!


----------



## stonetag (Jun 26, 2019)

Thought I would bump this thread with a joke I heard the other day.

A man and woman are driving down the road, and their car breaks down. The man tells his wife, I'll call a wrecker, the hard of hearing wife says, what'd you say? the man says, I'LL CALL A WRECKER!

The wrecker shows up, pops the hood, takes a look, and said, you got a busted fan belt, mans wife says what'd he say? the man said WE GOT A BUSTED FAN BELT!

The wrecker says, I can run to town, get a belt and have you fixed up in a couple hours, the wife says, what'd he say? the man said HE'LL HAVE US FIXED UP IN A COUPLE HOURS!

The wrecker guy says, where you folks from? The man says Butte Montana, the wrecker guy says Butte Montana! I had the worst piece of ass I have ever had in my entire life in Butte. The mans wife says, what'd he say? the man said, HE SAID HE KNOWS YA!


----------



## NbleSavage (Jun 26, 2019)

_"Drugs...I used to do drugs...I still do but I used to, too"_
- Mitch Hedberg (RIP)


----------



## Straight30weight (Jun 26, 2019)

NbleSavage said:


> _"Drugs...I used to do drugs...I still do but I used to, too"_
> - Mitch Hedberg (RIP)


Man, he was great


----------



## snake (Nov 12, 2020)

Seems like a good time to bump this old thread of mine. Enjoy guys!


----------



## dk8594 (Nov 12, 2020)

Forgot about this thread!  Some funny stuff in here!


----------



## HollyWoodCole (Nov 13, 2020)

How the hell did I miss this one over the years??

Good one!!


----------



## CohibaRobusto (Nov 13, 2020)




----------



## BigBoyFifty (Dec 19, 2020)

Not my proudest fap.


----------



## BigSwolePump (Dec 19, 2020)

A cheetah and a gazelle walk into a bar.

The cheetah walks out


----------



## NbleSavage (Dec 19, 2020)

BigSwolePump said:


> A cheetah and a gazelle walk into a bar.
> 
> The cheetah walks out



I see what you did there


----------



## NbleSavage (Dec 19, 2020)

An old lady at the bank asked me if I'd help her check her balance.

I pushed her over.


----------



## BigSwolePump (Dec 20, 2020)

NbleSavage said:


> I see what you did there


 Pretty bad eh? :32 (18):


----------



## CJ (Dec 20, 2020)

This one always made my daughter laugh, so I'll never forget it...

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? 

He was looking for Pooh.


----------



## BRICKS (Dec 20, 2020)

What's brown and lays in the woods?  Winnie's pooh.

What's yellow and lays in trees?  Tweety the whore.


----------



## snake (Mar 18, 2021)

It's been a long time since this thread was posted to, so here we go.

A husband and his wife are discussing the pain of childbirth. The husband said he feels being kicked in the balls is worse than giving birth. The husband understood that he could never know the pain of childbirth just as his wife would never know what it's like to be kicked in the balls so he thought about it. 

The next day he said, "Honey, being kicked in the balls is definitely worse and here's why; One year after a woman has a child she says she would like to have a second one. If I'm kicked in the balls, I'm not asking for it again a year later."


----------



## Flyingdragon (Mar 18, 2021)

A pickle walks into a casino and sits down at a card table…
He says, “Dill me in.”


----------



## BigSwolePump (Mar 18, 2021)

Old man Ralph(87) and his girlfriend(also 87) went to the doctors office and the doctor asked what he could do for them.

Ralph asked "could you watch us make love?"

The doctor examined both of them and told them to have at it.

After they were finished, the doctor re-examined them and told them that he couldn't find anything wrong. They paid the doctor for the office visit and went home.

This went on for several weeks and a couple of times per week. They would come in, be examined, have sex pay the doctor and leave.

After a couple of months, the doctor finally asked them, "Look, I don't have a problem taking your money but what exactly are you trying to find out? I don't see any problem with your sex lives other than you being 87 and you don't have the energy of a younger couple. What exactly is it that you want to know?"

Ralph tells him, " Doc, we aren't trying to find out anything. We can't go to my house to have sex cause my wife is there and we can't go to her house cause her husband is there. If we go to the Holiday Inn, it cost $70 and if we go to the Hilton, it cost $90 but we can do it here for $40 and Medicaid gives me $35 back."

This was there last visit.


----------



## 1bigun11 (Mar 19, 2021)

Just a funny story.

So I used to like to go fishing to get away from everything but I always took a flask of whiskey to sip on.  Had trouble sleeping one night so about 4:30 a.m. decided to just go out early and see what the day brought.  Was using a bag of worms for bait but by 9:30 I was out of worms and ready to head home, having caught nothing.  Just then I heard a rustle in the tall grass and went over to see a water moccasin trying to swallow a frog.  Frogs make good bait.

So I step on the water moccasin right behind its head to pick it up, the challenge being to get to water moccasin to drop the frog without getting bit. So I open my flask and poor some whiskey on the snake's face.  The snake's head wobbles a little and then sure enough it drops the frog and then slithers away.

So I go back to fishing using that frog as bait when I feel a tapping on my boot.  It's that damn snake with two more frogs.....


----------



## BigSwolePump (Mar 19, 2021)

1bigun11 said:


> Just a funny story.
> 
> So I used to like to go fishing to get away from everything but I always took a flask of whiskey to sip on.  Had trouble sleeping one night so about 4:30 a.m. decided to just go out early and see what the day brought.  Was using a bag of worms for bait but by 9:30 I was out of worms and ready to head home, having caught nothing.  Just then I heard a rustle in the tall grass and went over to see a water moccasin trying to swallow a frog.  Frogs make good bait.
> 
> ...


This one made me giggle. Nice addition lol


----------



## Skullcrusher (Apr 2, 2021)

What do you get when you mix a whore with a computer?

A ****ing know it all.


----------



## permabulker (Apr 4, 2021)

Here’s a really vulgar one that I literally lost a friend over (if you can lose a friend over a joke then you really don’t need that friend)

how many babies does it take to paint a wall? 




depends how hard you throw them.



apparently this flippant joke automatically makes me a baby murderer? Silly girl.


----------



## CJ (Apr 5, 2021)

permabulker said:


> Here’s a really vulgar one that I literally lost a friend over (if you can lose a friend over a joke then you really don’t need that friend)
> 
> how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
> 
> ...



I laughed. But I'm a sick fukk. :32 (20):


----------



## 1bigun11 (Apr 5, 2021)

permabulker said:


> how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
> 
> depends how hard you throw them.




How do you make a baby float?

scrape the excess baby off the wall, then add two scoops ice cream and some root beer.


----------



## CJ (Apr 5, 2021)

1bigun11 said:


> How do you make a baby float?
> 
> scrape the excess baby off the wall, then add two scoops ice cream and some root beer.



I did not laugh at that one!  :32 (11):


----------



## Jin (Apr 25, 2021)

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?




















The taste.


----------



## rawdeal (Apr 25, 2021)

1bigun11 said:


> How do you make a baby float?
> 
> scrape the excess baby off the wall, then add two scoops ice cream and some root beer.





CJ275 said:


> I did not laugh at that one!  :32 (11):




I DID!  Nothing's better than irreverent humor!


----------



## Texan69 (Apr 26, 2021)

Why should you always knock on the fridge before opening it??

there could be a salad dressing


----------



## Voyagersixone (Apr 26, 2021)

Texan69 said:


> Why should you always knock on the fridge before opening it??
> 
> there could be a salad dressing



literally saw this on TV yesterday!


----------



## MrInsensitive (Apr 27, 2021)

snake said:


> Ok, a clean one you can tell your kids at church.
> 
> Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
> A. You neek up on it.
> ...



bahaha I love this one


----------



## @weightsandcakess (Apr 27, 2021)

Probably lame but I’ll post it any ways. 
my impression of the end of ever Donkey Punch porn video... “ow...damn it...ow!!”


----------



## CJ (Apr 27, 2021)

Texan69 said:


> Why should you always knock on the fridge before opening it??
> 
> there could be a salad dressing



I despise you!!!  :32 (18):


----------



## Texan69 (Apr 27, 2021)

CJ275 said:


> I despise you!!!  :32 (18):



Ahhhh you laughed


----------



## OldeBull1 (Apr 27, 2021)

Did you know that chickens die after they have sex?


Well... the one I ****ed did.


----------



## The Phoenix (Apr 27, 2021)

How did Hellen Keller drive when she was alive?








With one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the road.


----------



## Trump (Apr 27, 2021)

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?? 

Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Wethers.


----------



## 1bigun11 (Apr 27, 2021)

The Phoenix said:


> How did Hellen Keller drive when she was alive?
> 
> With one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the road.



Why did Hellen Keller only use one hand to masturbate?


She used the other hand to moan.....


----------



## 1bigun11 (Apr 27, 2021)

The Phoenix said:


> How did Hellen Keller drive when she was alive?
> 
> With one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the road.



Why did Hellen Keller drive like shit?



She was a girl...


----------



## MrInsensitive (Apr 28, 2021)

1bigun11 said:


> Why did Hellen Keller drive like shit?
> 
> 
> 
> She was a girl...



woah woah Turbo. That was so UN woke of you to say...:32 (18):


----------



## 1bigun11 (May 23, 2021)

A walrus drops his car off for an oil change and the mechanic says it will be done in about 20 minutes. The walrus decides to go across the street to Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone while he waits.  Twenty minutes later he comes back and the mechanic says “Wow, Looks like you blew a seal!”  The walrus wipes his mouth and says, “No, that’s just ice cream.”  Lol


----------



## NbleSavage (May 23, 2021)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender says "Mate, that's got to hurt."

The pirate says "ARRRRR! Its drivin' me nuts!"


----------



## Jimjimqwerty (May 25, 2021)

Why are dead baby jokes always funny....?

Cause they never get old


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## 1bigun11 (Jun 15, 2021)

So this fifteen-year-old enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has been playing naughty with a girl at the school and needs to confess.  "Was it Susy Smith," the priest asks?  No says the boy.  "Was it Cindy Jones?" No, the boy says. "Well it had to be Amy Morgan then," says the priest.  "I really don't want to say who it was," says the boy.  "Well say five Our Fathers, and five Hail Mary's and don't do it again," says the priest. 

The boy walks out and his friend asks him, "Well, what did you get?"  The boy says, "Five Our Fathers, five Hail Mary's--and three strong leads!"


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## Jin (Jun 15, 2021)

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?






He worked it out with a pencil.


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## The Phoenix (Jun 15, 2021)

Gonna give this one a shot...

So they finally let out these nuns who have spent many years in the convent, out to preach of the ills of fulfilling lustful sexual desire, they end up at a Mandingo party.  One of the nuns has a knife in her hand and is eager to slice up some salami.  She shouts to the other nun and says "Sister, where do you want me to start cutting".  The other nun tells her knife wielding sister, "cut here and here" (running a finger simultaneously from each corner of her mouth to her middle of each cheek).


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## The Phoenix (Jun 15, 2021)

Jin said:


> Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



OUCH!  I hope it was with the eraser end?@?!?!?


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## Jin (Jun 15, 2021)

Where did the OCD doctor asked to be buried?


In a symmetry.


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## Blusoul24 (Jun 16, 2021)

Jin said:


> Where did the OCD doctor asked to be buried?
> 
> 
> In a symmetry.



Oooof! 10char


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## Jin (Jun 16, 2021)

I made up this next one myself. Just did a Google search and maybe nobody else had the balls to
be this corny. 


Why are Podiatrists such good losers?


They’re all used to de feet.  

:32 (19):


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## NbleSavage (Jun 18, 2021)

A radio station in Cork, Ireland held a call-in contest for words that weren't in the dictionary which made sense in a sentence.

DJ: 96FM here, whats yer name and whats yer word?
Caller: Its me, Dave. My word is Goan, spelled G-O-A-N proncounced go'an
DJ: Well, its not in the dictionary. For a trip to Bali, can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Yea, goan f**k yerself

The flustered DJ hangs up. A few minutes later...

DJ: 96FM Whats yer name and whats yer word?
Caller: Its me, Jeff. My word is SMEE, spelled S-M-E-E, pronouned 'smee'
DJ: Well, its not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali, can you use it in a sentence?
Caller: Yea, smee again! Goan f**k yerself.


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## The Phoenix (Jun 18, 2021)

What did the gastroenterologist say after his exam?  "This job stinks!"


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## The Phoenix (Jun 18, 2021)

LOL does That means you use the same thermometer on both ends and just happened to alternate it when you put in yo'mouf.


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## smguffer (Jun 23, 2021)

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the no bell prize!


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## smguffer (Jun 23, 2021)

I'm afraid for the calendar .... It's days are numbered


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## eazy (Jun 23, 2021)

What do you call the new girl at the bank? 





The Nutella!


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## smguffer (Jun 25, 2021)

My dad came into my room and said to me, son if you don't stop doing that you'll go blind. I said hey Dad I'm over here


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## CJ (Jul 6, 2021)

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships? 

So when they return to port, they can scandanavian.  🤪


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## 1bigun11 (Jul 6, 2021)

If a man speaks in the woods, and there is no female there to hear him, is he still wrong?


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## CJ (Aug 11, 2021)

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

An illegal is a sick bird.  🤣🤣🤣


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## Trendkill (Aug 11, 2021)

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters but never has five letters.


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## eazy (Aug 11, 2021)

Trendkill said:


> What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters but never has five letters.


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