# Suicide



## Jin (Apr 21, 2021)

Don’t know about any of you but I’ve battled depression and suicidal thoughts. Not recently, but in the past. This is a haunting documentary about the Golden Gate Bridge. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BSiFnihaVr4

The “suicide Forrest” is a similarly popular place here in Japan for people to go
to and end their lives. A friend and I have considered a week camp in the parking lot to invite such folks for a meal and a talk. Maybe some day. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q54VXN5sS5o&pp=QACIAgA=&rco=1&has_verified=1. (Let me know if you cannot access it. There’s a firewall for sensitive content and it won’t load on my iPhone.)

Nobody will kill themselves while another human being offers them the gift of listening presence and understanding. People kill themselves alone for a reason: too hard to do it if you’re being loved. 

Anyway, it’s good to have open dialogue with this type of stuff because if somebody is struggling with these types of thoughts they’re usually not going public with it.


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## bvs (Apr 21, 2021)

Ive been there a few times unfortunately, wound up in an intensive care coma twice, Spent months in different psychiatric hospitals, Been on almost every medication under the sun (Currently running 60mg zoloft and 400mg seroquel) feel free to ask me anything 


This video isn't new but it has a really good message


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## Jin (Apr 21, 2021)

That dude is in the documentary too. Glad you made it Bevis. You’re a good bloke.


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## Skullcrusher (Apr 21, 2021)

Japan's suicide forest is severely haunted...even if you do not believe in that sort of thing!


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## Jin (Apr 21, 2021)

Skullcrusher said:


> Japan's suicide forest is severely haunted...even if you do not believe in that sort of thing!



We ain’t afraid of no ghosts!

and.......we’d be staying in the parking lot not the actual forest!


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## Skullcrusher (Apr 21, 2021)

Jin said:


> We ain’t afraid of no ghosts!
> 
> and.......we’d be staying in the parking lot not the actual forest!



No amount of muscle will protect you! LOL


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## sfw509 (Apr 21, 2021)

Thank you for posting this. I have worked with the public for almost 20 years and am currently in the mental health field. 

Suicide is a topic that needs to be talked about as much, if not more, than the political and social issues of the day. Most peoples lives have been effects in some way by suicide. Mine definitely has. It's not something we need to be afraid of. In fact, the complete opposite. We need to be open and willing to reach out if we feel we or someone we know needs help. 

I feel here in the United States the term mental health has become a taboo if you will. As soon as someone brings up the topic most people immediately think negative thoughts or become weary of a person who suffers from depression or anxiety, or any other diagnosis. People assume someone who is depressed, has panic attacks, or bi polar is unstable and an automatic danger to themselves or other and that is just not true. 

If you know someone struggling be supportive to those people and treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. We all struggle with things from time to time and would want the same for ourselves if we ever do. I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past and am willing to talk about it If anyone has any questions. 

If you or someone you know is in need of help this is the number to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255 

Therapy has been a game changer for me. This link is to a website where you can search for a therapist. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Last but not least if you believe anyone is an immediate danger to themselves, call 911.


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## MrInsensitive (Apr 21, 2021)

Good topic Jin. Thank you for posting this. 
My brother witnessed someone he didn't know well but saw him hanging from his bunk in the dorms as they were cutting him down. No body expected it. Hindsight, there were signs. Subtleties no one delved into... 

One of the two greatest things we can do,  is love someone like we love ourselves.


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## slicwilly2000 (Apr 21, 2021)

I've experienced depression in the past.  It was pretty bad for a few years.  I used alcohol to deal with it and ended up abusing it.  I've been in a few different recovery programs.  I was never suicidal in the sense that I would have slit my wrists or blown my head off with a shotgun.  I used alcohol and benzos to numb my feelings of sadness.  Using both of those together numbed me for years.  I was 32 when things got really bad.  I didn't realize it for about 6 months.  I got into AA.  I had to deal with the feelings once the booze was gone.  I'm not sure if I would be alive if I hadn't started going to meetings 4+ days a week.  AA definitely got me sober but it was friendships that helped me stay sober and keep my mind out of remembering what caused that multiple times a day every day.  Depression is no joke, that shit is intense.  

Slic.


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## bvs (Apr 21, 2021)

slicwilly2000 said:


> I've experienced depression in the past.  It was pretty bad for a few years.  I used alcohol to deal with it and ended up abusing it.  I've been in a few different recovery programs.  I was never suicidal in the sense that I would have slit my wrists or blown my head off with a shotgun.  I used alcohol and benzos to numb my feelings of sadness.  Using both of those together numbed me for years.  I was 32 when things got really bad.  I didn't realize it for about 6 months.  I got into AA.  I had to deal with the feelings once the booze was gone.  I'm not sure if I would be alive if I hadn't started going to meetings 4+ days a week.  AA definitely got me sober but it was friendships that helped me stay sober and keep my mind out of remembering what caused that multiple times a day every day.  Depression is no joke, that shit is intense.
> 
> Slic.



Glad that you got the help you needed mate 
In my experience the vast vast majority of people with mental illness also have some sort of negative addictive behaviour they use to cope, its all linked


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## Janoy Cresva (Apr 21, 2021)

A teammate of mine committed suicide in highschool. He was only 16 I think, really sad and shocking to me at the time. I often wonder why it's such a big problem in Japan.


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## Blacktail (Apr 21, 2021)

Depression runs in my family. Been on meds for 20 years.


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## MrInsensitive (Apr 21, 2021)

I’m mentally unstable then? Im a drug addict. Have been as long as I can remember. 
Been in a recovery program the past 3 years.


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## slicwilly2000 (Apr 21, 2021)

bvs said:


> Glad that you got the help you needed mate
> In my experience the vast vast majority of people with mental illness also have some sort of negative addictive behaviour they use to cope, its all linked



I don't doubt it.  I've used both uppers and downers to deal with depression.  My current psychiatrist isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.  She wants me on both benzos and amphetamines.  Both of which I've had addiction issues to about a decade apart.  I got clean from prescription amphetamines in 2005.  I took my last benzo a few years ago.  For a while I only took it to go to the dentist and now I don't take it at all.  I took enough ativan before the dentist that I had to spend a couple extra hours at the coffee shop after before I drove home.  I believe they refer to the condition you describe as dual diagnosis.  It doesn't always mean a substance abuse issue with a mental illness.  It can mean two mental illnesses.  A lot of people in one of the recovery programs I attended in 2005 had mental illness and addiction issues.  

Slic.


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## BigGameHunter (Apr 21, 2021)

I used to think people that ended heir lives were weak. I used to say (and still do to a certain extent) that if you find me with a bullet wound...someone shot me I’ll never take my life. 

Fast forward a few years later and some very hurtful and serious $hit hit me. It turned my whole world upside down. Everything I believed and everyone important I believed in betrayed me. It hurt so fukin bad I really don’t have words for it. 

I thought about doing it and how...as not to make a mess or to be a burden. But to do it. I envisioned myself Climbing this tree I was fond of and hanging myself. No farewell notes or it’s this persons fault.

Fortunately, I came to my senses with the love of good friends, family and my lady friend. When I was able to reflect coherently, I determined that people that are serious about killing themselves (not those who threaten repeatedly) don’t do it for attention or because they are weak. They do it because they simply don’t want to hurt anymore. 

Good post and replies fellas.


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## Bobbyloads (Apr 21, 2021)

Jesus bro get any more depressing? 

My childhood best friend committed suicide when I was 16 several other people I knew did it in JR High but his was the worst for me have his name tattooed on my arm. 

In my opinion sometimes people have a reason why they wanna do it. I know if I got my reason I don’t want anyone talking to me trying to talk me out of it cause if I’m at that point I really don’t wanna live anymore. I’m sure some people do it for reasons to me and you might not justify doing such a thing but to each their own. 

Im a strong believer in assisted suicide should be legal and available to the public in extreme situations only.


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## ftf (Apr 21, 2021)

I've never seriously contemplated suicide but I have been a drug addict all my life. I have been sober for the last 8 years due to being in prison for 7 of them. I went through drug treatment in prison (RDAP) which I always used to think was a waste of time but it helped. Now I think working out and experimenting with hgh and trt is another addictive behavior. I'm not real happy and I'm trying to change my self and my mood through hormones and exercise. It's better than meth I guess.


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## DEADlifter (Apr 21, 2021)

So much to say...  How to be concise?  

IME society does not respect mental illness.  In public schools in the south during the 80's and 90's, if they did identify it, those effected went to a "special" school.  Ostracized.  

Those who suffer from depression are labelled weak. "Get your shit together", people tell them.  "Be tough".

The thing with self medicating is that whatever you use, whether drugs or alcohol, become their own problems. 

I've been closer than I want to admit to making a permanent decision based on a temporary problem.  

Love yourself, love your neighbor.  Listen when people talk.  You never know who just needs to be heard.  

Be well brothers.


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## Fishwhisperer (Apr 21, 2021)

Well gentlemen this is something I know first hand about ! In 2015 Nov 28th I put a nine to my chest and pulled the trigger ! I died but they finally brought me back after a couple minutes . So here's my story . I became addicted to pain pills 8 yrs prior to this and was trying to kick that habit on top of getting divorced and not seeing my little girl for two years she was my world. I also in the two years prior to the shooting watched my business tank due to the construction and residential building crash of the market  I'm a brick and stone mason ) . I also battled depression and bipolarity for years add all this up and this is where my mind was when I pulled the trigger. I felt like I was a complete failure as a father as a business man ,as an addict and I felt like I was doing my family and the rest of the world a favor by ending my life .Well let me tell you what it actually did to those close to me. 1- my stepson , he found me actually probably saved my life from the compression he kept on untill the helicopter got there. Well he was traumatized still to this day. 2- My wife she came in next passed out from the sight and spent the next 3 yrs in therapy. 3- my mother , can you imagine finding your only child with a hole blown in his chest and blood all over the walls and floor ? She's still traumatized to this day.. Now for myself I'm all healed up good as new and mentally healthy as a horse these days. I was one of those that loved life and always said nothing would make me get to a point of suicide but I did ! 
Now that being said suicide is the most selfish act a person could ever do , all it does is leave a wave of destruction for those you leave behind. Your pain might be gone but theirs has just began. Nothing is ever so bad as that you can't get help or work it out take it from me .I don't know if this will help anybody but it's my two cents , if it helps one person stop from doing it , it was worth it to me.
If you need an ear or have a question feel free to ask . I openly talk about this subject to anyone going through tough times or need help with someone you know.
Thanks,
Ken


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## DEADlifter (Apr 21, 2021)

slicwilly2000 said:


> I've experienced depression in the past.  It was pretty bad for a few years.  I used alcohol to deal with it and ended up abusing it.  I've been in a few different recovery programs.  I was never suicidal in the sense that I would have slit my wrists or blown my head off with a shotgun.  I used alcohol and benzos to numb my feelings of sadness.  Using both of those together numbed me for years.  I was 32 when things got really bad.  I didn't realize it for about 6 months.  I got into AA.  I had to deal with the feelings once the booze was gone.  I'm not sure if I would be alive if I hadn't started going to meetings 4+ days a week.  AA definitely got me sober but it was friendships that helped me stay sober and keep my mind out of remembering what caused that multiple times a day every day.  Depression is no joke, that shit is intense.
> 
> Slic.



Those rooms.  I attest to the use of them.  If you feel all alone, find a meeting.  Unlike the purple craphole, AA rooms are truly a Judgement Free Zone.  This tattoo is not without warrant.


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## BrotherIron (Apr 21, 2021)

Skullcrusher said:


> Japan's suicide forest is severely haunted...even if you do not believe in that sort of thing!



I do very much believe in that thing as I have seen things in my life that most people do not believe.


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## DEADlifter (Apr 21, 2021)

BrotherIron said:


> I do very much believe in that thing as I have seen things in my life that most people do not believe.



The very precise intersection of certain factors allow for the realms to meld.  I've seen things to support my stance and I can't be convinced otherwise.


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## 69nites (Apr 21, 2021)

Something I don't generally talk about. The first time I remember wanting to die I was 8 years old and held my breath until I passed out. The last time was February of 2019 via intentional overdose.


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## Jin (Apr 21, 2021)

69nites said:


> Something I don't generally talk about. The first time I remember wanting to die I was 8 years old and held my breath until I passed out. The last time was February of 2019 via intentional overdose.



There’s a band of brothers here for you. Don’t ever forget that. 

I’m happy to personally connect with anybody who is in a bind/crisis. I’m a trained listener. You won’t get advice, just understanding and acceptance. 


thanks for being vulnerable. That’s manly.


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## Oldbastard (Apr 21, 2021)

A social worker 30 years retired I now work with horses. I seen many take their lives. I understand but ironically I’m likely feel more hate misery then anyone I know yet somehow I love life. Every day above ground is good day


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## Blusoul24 (Apr 21, 2021)

Such an important topic. Thanks for
posting this.


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## Jin (Apr 21, 2021)

Oldbastard said:


> A social worker 30 years retired I now work with horses. I seen many take their lives. I understand but ironically I’m likely feel more hate misery then anyone I know yet somehow I love life. Every day above ground is good day



It’s too
risky to joke on this thread so I’ll just make an observation:

By the way you wrote the above it definitely sounds as if you’ve seen a lot of horse suicides!


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## j2048b (Apr 21, 2021)

this is long, hope u read it, if u dont, no worries...ill still be back and post stupid shit...

oh wow, ok, well, im horribly embarrassed to say all this but, thanks for the outlet Jin and the others who have posted....sometimes, a lot of times, i feel like a failure, a walking mat, a door step, a P ussy, and im not fond of the way i look...i grew up with an abusive drunk for a dad, and basically it caused me to never have learned how to truly be a man, or a father, or a husband for that matter...its funny because now he goes to church, got saved and im the new heathen as i stopped going to church since covid, even tho i listen to preachers on podcasts a lot....i was once told i was supposed to be in the ministry...i said na...im good.....


suicide:
it crosses my mind every day...and has been this way since i left the service, no i dont have ptsd, i didnt see any wars, never been to any, and not sure why, but ive spoke with people, but just didnt jive with what they were throwin down...sometimes we really just want to feel good about ourselves and they dont help in some cases....

ive already written all my letters, i have them on my phone, and about a month ago, i had my final thread topic picked, i was going to post on this site, and a few others that i routinely partake in......., i had it all planned out.....and im sorry everyone, i cannot take the pills they give me, ive been on 5 different meds and they all screwed me up...1 lead to a hospital trip, but ive been told i maybe bipolar? i have bouts of mania, (small bouts) and really low depression....and then i feel like i can do anything, and then it all creeps back in, the worthlessness, im a complete zero, im a nobody, and im dumb, or a retard because i feel like my brain doesnt work like its supposed to, i mean im educated and feel F^cking retarded most days....etc.... and i hate playing russian roulette with these meds that can and will f%uck u up

there are reasons as to why i havent gone thru with it, but sometimes it feels like i wouldnt truly be missed, or forgotten about rather quickly anyways if it did finally go down...... ive told myself for years this is the way im going out, aint nobody, no med no nothing, gonna stop me....eventually, its going down, i fight with God a lot asking why the narcissist in him would create a bunch of people just so he could be worshipped, while we are down here struggling and dying, and watching all sorts of people get rich off of all of us...its a constant line i walk...

this lead me to trt early on because taking hormones make me feel better....and ive been off them for a few years now just tormenting myself and my mental health...so trt is coming back asap,,,

since this bs covid crap hit, i sold all my garage equipment, and havent even lifted, havent done any cardio, im now skinny, lost a bunch of size and muscle, always looked like i lifted, still have a big back, scrawny legs and feel a lot of times, me lifting is not getting me anywhere anyways so why do it anymore? plus my family is tired of me starting a project and not finishing it, or even getting almost 90% done and just giving up....because im depressed, cannot get started, or just have no drive, willpower or a supporting cast of friends i can count on, which ive never not had in my life...




im reading a book called : the mental health prescription... truly amazing how it delves into depression and anxiety and shows u how group therapy, plus meds plus exercise, and a few other things put together will make a difference....next i plan to read all the jocko willink books i bought and do the 75 hard program....amongst the 5 tb of lifting programs i have on my computer and a ton i want to try, yet just cant get to them....

so there ya have it...ups and downs, and a lot of unconfidence.....


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## Jin (Apr 21, 2021)

j2048b said:


> this is long, hope u read it, if u dont, no worries...ill still be back and post stupid shit...
> 
> oh wow, ok, well, im horribly embarrassed to say all this but, thanks for the outlet Jin and the others who have posted....sometimes, a lot of times, i feel like a failure, a walking mat, a door step, a P ussy, and im not fond of the way i look...i grew up with an abusive drunk for a dad, and basically it caused me to never have learned how to truly be a man, or a father, or a husband for that matter...its funny because now he goes to church, got saved and im the new heathen as i stopped going to church since covid, even tho i listen to preachers on podcasts a lot....i was once told i was supposed to be in the ministry...i said na...im good.....
> 
> ...



Really heart wrenching stuff my friend. And none of it easy to deal with. 

I’m so glad you posted. 

Let us know how we can help as a community and know that I’m willing to connect anytime. 

Would it help if we made a mental health forum?


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## rawdeal (Apr 21, 2021)

j2048b said:


> this is long, hope u read it, if u dont, no worries...ill still be back and post stupid shit...
> 
> oh wow, ok, well, im horribly embarrassed to say all this but,  . . .



The only people who are not embarrassed about something(s) are self-absorbed dickheads, and they are the ones who usually have the most to be embarrassed about.  I am (medium) sure I am not suicidal, but that is only because I am too much of a pussy to make that decision ... so far.  I *do* have plenty to be embarrassed about, but I have not been, and may never be, Man enough to share it on a board.

YOU have been, I hope your post will ease your pain, and I wonder if it won't help me and a few others get through the Denial stage and begin to face, and fix, our own problems.

Love ya, Buddy.


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## Sicwun88 (Apr 21, 2021)

Love Conquers all!
Sounds like a good deed and maybe turn someone's life around!
We help ourselves, 
By helping others!


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## Gadawg (Apr 21, 2021)

Never been suicidal. Too many things I insanely love in life. But I have all the other battles. 

Another doc most people never heard of about suicide is “Bridgend”. Its about a small town in Wales where over 100 youths commited suicide in one year. Its shocking.


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## j2048b (Apr 21, 2021)

Jin said:


> Really heart wrenching stuff my friend. And none of it easy to deal with.
> 
> I’m so glad you posted.
> 
> ...




thanks appreciate it very much!

 not sure a mental health forum would do much, tbh... might just end up becoming a waist land of whining, complaining and crap like that....that's why i try to get away from everything once in a while.and most dont say anything about this type of stuff, because honestly, those around u, or even on line, get tired of hearing about it.....not sure how therapists handle doing their jobs....


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## j2048b (Apr 21, 2021)

rawdeal said:


> The only people who are not embarrassed about something(s) are self-absorbed dickheads, and they are the ones who usually have the most to be embarrassed about.  I am (medium) sure I am not suicidal, but that is only because I am too much of a pussy to make that decision ... so far.  I *do* have plenty to be embarrassed about, but I have not been, and may never be, Man enough to share it on a board.
> 
> YOU have been, I hope your post will ease your pain, and I wonder if it won't help me and a few others get through the Denial stage and begin to face, and fix, our own problems.
> 
> Love ya, Buddy.




thanks brotatochip, love u too homie 

means a lot to have people understand and connect with someone on a different level besides...."hey bruh i can out bench you" "hey bruh how much u squat".....

i hope what a lot of people put up here helps someone else, or even themselves.....

im talking to a doc about trying so zoloft or another one, but im very hesitant, and dont like messing with that stuff, but its better to try and know it doesnt work than to never try it and live a life filled full of hate, depression, suicidal tendencies and anger...


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## rawdeal (Apr 21, 2021)

Fvck ... I'm not tired of hearing yet.  If it helps YOU to keep sharing, go for it.  If, otoh, you've shot yer ( < homage to a recently retired Mod) wad, then cease and desist ... I'll just find someone else to inspire me  ......


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## rawdeal (Apr 21, 2021)

Shit, you young fvcks with so much to live for always out-type circles around me and my old fvck replies.  I sense a path to recovery up there.

Is "brotatochip" ghey?

xoxoxo !


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## BrotherIron (Apr 21, 2021)

I just wanted to say thank you to all who shared.  That is no easy thing to do.  

I know some may have been raised just like me which was bottle it all up inside and never let anyone know what is going on with you.  Men don't show emotion.  We take care of our loved ones and we bare the burden no matter the cost.  That cost can be a hefty one and can really take it's toll.

Sometimes just talking helps and we're ALL here to help in anyway we can.


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## CohibaRobusto (Apr 21, 2021)

DEADlifter said:


> Those rooms.  I attest to the use of them.  If you feel all alone, find a meeting.  Unlike the purple craphole, AA rooms are truly a Judgement Free Zone.  This tattoo is not without warrant.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yep, I've got free group therapy just about any place in the world, anytime I want it because of AA. Pretty grateful right here...


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## rawdeal (Apr 21, 2021)

Should we mention here that "AA" does not just exist for alcohol, or other substance, abusers who have sought that as a "solution?"  There are free online and f2f groups for anyone whose substance use, OR, mindset, is a burden.

Whoever you are, and whatever it is ... you are not alone.


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## j2048b (Apr 21, 2021)

rawdeal said:


> Shit, you young fvcks with so much to live for always out-type circles around me and my old fvck replies.  I sense a path to recovery up there.
> 
> Is "brotatochip" ghey?
> 
> xoxoxo !




hahaha na dawg, brotatochip is not ghey....haha


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## Skullcrusher (Apr 21, 2021)

Goodbye Cruel World


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## DEADlifter (Apr 22, 2021)

I watched the documentary, The Bridge, while neglecting my duties at the office today. Just wow. The stats are incredible.  The Bridge Patrol can't stop them all. The Golden Gate Bridge is, according to the documentary,  the most photographed man made structure in North America. So many jumpers caught on video. The average is 30 people per year. 

The one guy that muscled the woman back over the rail was strong as fuk.


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## The Phoenix (Apr 22, 2021)

ftf said:


> I've never seriously contemplated suicide but I have been a drug addict all my life. I have been sober for the last 8 years due to being in prison for 7 of them. I went through drug treatment in prison (RDAP) which I always used to think was a waste of time but it helped. Now I think working out and experimenting with hgh and trt is another addictive behavior. I'm not real happy and I'm trying to change my self and my mood through hormones and exercise. It's better than meth I guess.



Much better than meth. Way to go bro!


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## The Phoenix (Apr 22, 2021)

Fishwhisperer said:


> Well gentlemen this is something I know first hand about ! In 2015 Nov 28th I put a nine to my chest and pulled the trigger ! I died but they finally brought me back after a couple minutes . So here's my story . I became addicted to pain pills 8 yrs prior to this and was trying to kick that habit on top of getting divorced and not seeing my little girl for two years she was my world. I also in the two years prior to the shooting watched my business tank due to the construction and residential building crash of the market  I'm a brick and stone mason ) . I also battled depression and bipolarity for years add all this up and this is where my mind was when I pulled the trigger. I felt like I was a complete failure as a father as a business man ,as an addict and I felt like I was doing my family and the rest of the world a favor by ending my life .Well let me tell you what it actually did to those close to me. 1- my stepson , he found me actually probably saved my life from the compression he kept on untill the helicopter got there. Well he was traumatized still to this day. 2- My wife she came in next passed out from the sight and spent the next 3 yrs in therapy. 3- my mother , can you imagine finding your only child with a hole blown in his chest and blood all over the walls and floor ? She's still traumatized to this day.. Now for myself I'm all healed up good as new and mentally healthy as a horse these days. I was one of those that loved life and always said nothing would make me get to a point of suicide but I did !
> Now that being said suicide is the most selfish act a person could ever do , all it does is leave a wave of destruction for those you leave behind. Your pain might be gone but theirs has just began. Nothing is ever so bad as that you can't get help or work it out take it from me .I don't know if this will help anybody but it's my two cents , if it helps one person stop from doing it , it was worth it to me.
> If you need an ear or have a question feel free to ask . I openly talk about this subject to anyone going through tough times or need help with someone you know.
> Thanks,
> Ken



Glad you are here Ken. 
Regards, Kyle


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## The Phoenix (Apr 22, 2021)

DEADlifter said:


> Those rooms.  I attest to the use of them.  If you feel all alone, find a meeting.  Unlike the purple craphole, AA rooms are truly a Judgement Free Zone.  This tattoo is not without warrant.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Calf is looking juicy. Stick around a little longer; these guys are good listeners.


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## Jin (Apr 22, 2021)

“Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up, so what?”

      -Marcus Aurelius


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## Gabriel (Apr 22, 2021)

A close subject to me..I should have been gone many times..by my own hands..22 bars of Xanax..yeah I said 22 bars..or the knife in a tub of blood..2 or 3 other times in my 20's..

Just wasn't my time..and God's plan for me has yet to be revealed..so I have come to that conclusion.. whether I need to still pay,learn, suffer or be rewarded..I won't know that till that time comes..

My son has PTSD bad..many of his friends in the Army he served with took their lives after Afghanistan..I suffer from PTSD..and will always have demons that pull me in bad directions..

Today I fight to stay alive..much harder living than cashing out..at least for me..

Ruff subject to talk about..dark days..dark times..


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## Mind2muscle (Apr 23, 2021)

Good thread Jin.  This is all too often a topic not talked about enough....at home, work, school etc.  I work in the mental health field so I see the true torment people deal with daily.  I also have suffered from suicidal thoughts In the past.  Much of it was caused by social isolation and my lack of self confidence especially during high school.  I feel like those demons never left me but some of that darkness has been replaced by light especially now that I have kids.  This is why the gym is my sanctuary.  I can release all the anger all the hate and sadness.  I also pray to GOD.


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## 1bigun11 (Apr 23, 2021)

I think about it, weigh and balance it, and so far have always talked myself out of it. The oppressive sadness of this life and world just overwhelms at times. 

And then I think to myself, through the tears, It might be the best move for everyone, but why rush and do it today. 

I figure I will always have the rest of my life to be dead—after I die—and may have a few things left to learn, or do for others before I go.


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## Jin (Apr 23, 2021)

1bigun11 said:


> I think about it, weigh and balance it, and so far have always talked myself out of it. The oppressive sadness of this life and world just overwhelms at times.
> 
> And then I think to myself, through the tears, It might be the best move for everyone, but why rush and do it today.
> 
> I figure I will always have the rest of my life to be dead—after I die—and may have a few things left to learn, or do for others before I go.



Leaving your loved ones with an enormous bill for a custom fitted coffin that’d fit you is a dick move.


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## 1bigun11 (Apr 23, 2021)

Jin said:


> Leaving your loved ones with an enormous bill for a custom fitted coffin that’d fit you is a dick move.



Plus I’d miss you, you friggin prick, lol


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## notsoswoleCPA (Apr 23, 2021)

Over the years, I had THREE cousins manage to kill themselves with all three using a firearm to accomplish it.  Two used a deer rifle and one used a Beretta 92 FS.  Two of the three had just been prescribed SSRIs.

My current wife battles depression.


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## MrInsensitive (Apr 23, 2021)

notsoswoleCPA said:


> Over the years, I had THREE cousins manage to kill themselves with all three using a firearm to accomplish it.  Two used a deer rifle and one used a Beretta 92 FS.  Two of the three had just been prescribed SSRIs.
> 
> My current wife battles depression.



damn that’s heavy.. my wife battles it sometimes too. 
Do you have any advice you could teach me? What do I do? I feel so helpless for her at times. It makes me sick.


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## MrInsensitive (Apr 23, 2021)

1bigun11 said:


> I think about it, weigh and balance it, and so far have always talked myself out of it. The oppressive sadness of this life and world just overwhelms at times.
> 
> And then I think to myself, through the tears, It might be the best move for everyone, but why rush and do it today.
> 
> I figure I will always have the rest of my life to be dead—after I die—and may have a few things left to learn, or do for others before I go.


I’m glad you made the wise choice. I’m glad you’re still around man. 
I genuinely hope this thread goes a little further than everyone opening up about it. 

I want to say, if any single one of you would reach out to me, I’d love to talk about it. If you’re contemplating it, let’s talk about it. Judgment free and I’m a good listener. (Just don’t ask my wife). Lol jk. But really really, I want to talk about it, if you’re considering it, on edge, thought about it.


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## notsoswoleCPA (Apr 23, 2021)

MrInsensitive said:


> damn that’s heavy.. my wife battles it sometimes too.
> Do you have any advice you could teach me? What do I do? I feel so helpless for her at times. It makes me sick.



It is tough.  I just try to be supportive whenever she goes through her episodes.  I've been with her to therapy, and have finally come to terms with mental illness being a thing that is rather tough to get under control.  

She's even undergone ECT, even though I questioned her psychiatrist about using this for a long-term depression sufferer versus someone in their formative years where neuro pathways could be altered due to the brain still developing.  As a result, I was dismissed as not knowing what I was talking about for questioning him due to being an accountant...   I love it when I get dismissed for being a CPA by the medical professionals when I spent over ten years of my career working for a medical agency in their research department as an accountant...  Want to take a stab at most of the experimental treatments my department dealt with?  Cancer and depression...


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## MrInsensitive (Apr 23, 2021)

Dude I’m so glad we get to have this conversation. 
I could be more supportive, I’ll do that. Thank you for the advice.


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## j2048b (Apr 24, 2021)

the reason oi cannot take those pills, they actually sometimes make it worse, now ketamine....ive heard tons of good stuff about that for depression...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../202102/nasal-spray-vs-iv-ketamine-depression

also a good read:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...reatment-bipolar-depression-the-missing-piece

planning on following a few of the tips in the above link, ketamine, and perhaps ct scan, there were a few docs who do this to see peoples brains while in a depressed state


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## j2048b (Apr 24, 2021)

selank and seemax are also 2 peptides that are in nasal sparay formulations that i also want to try:


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## Oldbastard (Apr 24, 2021)

Jin said:


> It’s too
> risky to joke on this thread so I’ll just make an observation:
> 
> By the way you wrote the above it definitely sounds as if you’ve seen a lot of horse suicides!


I’m not joking . I spent my life devoted to suicidal adults humans . Hanging , OD , firearms, stabbing etc ! seen many succeed and ivd actually saved their lives using CPR , Narcan you name it . No joking whatsoever! Yes I hate life with intense passion and most people why I changed careers at age 50 to help sick animals. Hey I’ve seen guys try too slice their wrist using an electric razor which THAT is true insanity. My point was despite being exposed and so close to it , I still have trouble ever understanding it because as much I as I feel deep embedded frustration hate and despair I’ve never for even a moment entertained the idea of suicide .  I often ponder and I am baffled as how can I love something I find so empty meaning and shitty , yet love life ??? It makes no sense , then again maybe I’m the one that is insane . I think of the ancient samurai / bushi Japanese warriors that if caught in battle or dishonored it was a great honor too perform ritual suiciide ( seppuku/ harakiri)  to me took a type of courage I can’t even imagine. Forgive me anyone if that’s offensive but I fail to see any humor nor was any intended . It was my two cents relative to the posting.


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## Oldbastard (Apr 24, 2021)

notsoswoleCPA said:


> It is tough.  I just try to be supportive whenever she goes through her episodes.  I've been with her to therapy, and have finally come to terms with mental illness being a thing that is rather tough to get under control.
> 
> She's even undergone ECT, even though I questioned her psychiatrist about using this for a long-term depression sufferer versus someone in their formative years where neuro pathways could be altered due to the brain still developing.  As a result, I was dismissed as not knowing what I was talking about for questioning him due to being an accountant...   I love it when I get dismissed for being a CPA by the medical professionals when I spent over ten years of my career working for a medical agency in their research department as an accountant...  Want to take a stab at most of the experimental treatments my department dealt with?  Cancer and depression...


You are not alone . Just try too research have open mind , however for a psychiatrist too dismiss you for your lack of knowledge on topic is rude. To me if have tried to help one understand that its very proven and successful method now . I think most people have the viewpoint from TV etc that it was archaic torture but I have seen people go from almost killing self monthly ending up in psyche ward too having a productive life , job school education. In 1998 I worked with 22 yo kid spent years . Now after beginning regular shock therapy ended up getting his GED, job college . However once every 3-4 weeks he had to be driven take a day as it was major procedure in his case . Amnesia for the day but totally new man . A successful patient. Yes there are horrible cases and some not so great but psychiatric medicine is sometimes a long gamble where patient and doc need too work and trust other . Each person I worked was chronic , severe mental illness . Some took years to find the proper combination of medication that minimize symptoms and side effects. Which is also a considerable stress . For decades they used medication that worked but created major neurological sides, fortunately was reversible or controlled with other medication ( the effect called “ tardive disknesia” ) tremors shakes etc . Then 1990s the psychiatric medication field took huge leap with the atypical psychotropics, the most successful medication in history of psychiatric medication “ clozapine “ aka “ clozaril “ to some miracle med others just average. As drastic success a very small percentage died or developed agranulocytosis ( too many WBC) but at least was reversible but again like any really successful approach came sacrificing or inconvenience. To monitor the Blood requirements were weekly blood draws for 6 months then pretty much every other week for life. Some wanted no part some went from being unable to perform menial daily activities to becoming brilliant physicians themselves as I have seen with my own eyes . Psychiatrist is very vast field . Just they really need too spend time explaining to patient family etc or I guess for 30 years that was my main job duty .


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## Gabriel (Apr 24, 2021)

Every angle of this topic hits home one way or another..Either you are battling it personally or a friend or family..or perhaps dealing with patients of this epidemic..In any aspect,it's painful and gut wrenching..


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## Mhenshaw (Apr 24, 2021)

I just wanted to say that as bad as days get... and that is pretty dark... there is beauty that can be found if you look.
Most of all dont be alone with the darkness. Talk here, the post office, church, the park, grocery store, etc. People do care.

SFW already posted this, but "If you or someone you know is in need of help this is the number to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255"

Thanks for posting this Jin!  Never give up! Love ya Brother!


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## henry954 (Apr 25, 2021)

Hey man those ketamine infusions work for severe depression. Last year i took my ex girlfriend to a doctor in nyc. She had become a zombie from all the meds she was on. So i suggested she talk to her doctor about lowering the dosages. Well she did one better. She got off all that shit and found out about those ketamine infusions. She is not on any meds anymore. I used to have to carry the conversation all the time now i cant get her to shut up. lol She still goes to therapy but those treatments were a game changer. Do some research if you suffer from depression. That shit works. its like an i.v with ketamine for 40 minutes. They give you head phones and you listen to music and spaz out for 40 minutes. I would take her and watch her trip. After the 40 minutes she would still have this little after effect of happiness and it apparently helped her overcome that obstacle. its like $300 for each treatment. I think its 6 treatments and then your good to go. Then you return as needed in 6 months or whatever the case may be


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## The Phoenix (Apr 25, 2021)

henry954 said:


> Hey man those ketamine infusions work for severe depression. Last year i took my ex girlfriend to a doctor in nyc. She had become a zombie from all the meds she was on. So i suggested she talk to her doctor about lowering the dosages. Well she did one better. She got off all that shit and found out about those ketamine infusions. She is not on any meds anymore. I used to have to carry the conversation all the time now i cant get her to shut up. lol She still goes to therapy but those treatments were a game changer. Do some research if you suffer from depression. That shit works. its like an i.v with ketamine for 40 minutes. They give you head phones and you listen to music and spaz out for 40 minutes. I would take her and watch her trip. After the 40 minutes she would still have this little after effect of happiness and it apparently helped her overcome that obstacle. its like $300 for each treatment. I think its 6 treatments and then your good to go. Then you return as needed in 6 months or whatever the case may be



Ketamine as in Special K - rave drug taken with MDMA?  Isn’t ketamine going to numb too as it is an animal tranquilizer.


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## j2048b (Apr 25, 2021)

henry954 said:


> Hey man those ketamine infusions work for severe depression. Last year i took my ex girlfriend to a doctor in nyc. She had become a zombie from all the meds she was on. So i suggested she talk to her doctor about lowering the dosages. Well she did one better. She got off all that shit and found out about those ketamine infusions. She is not on any meds anymore. I used to have to carry the conversation all the time now i cant get her to shut up. lol She still goes to therapy but those treatments were a game changer. Do some research if you suffer from depression. That shit works. its like an i.v with ketamine for 40 minutes. They give you head phones and you listen to music and spaz out for 40 minutes. I would take her and watch her trip. After the 40 minutes she would still have this little after effect of happiness and it apparently helped her overcome that obstacle. its like $300 for each treatment. I think its 6 treatments and then your good to go. Then you return as needed in 6 months or whatever the case may be




thats f uckin awesome..... i have been wanting to try it myself to see how it effects me.... is there lasting good feels for the 6 months between each dose? did she dump u once she overcame the depression ? just asking cause it sucks to help someone get better to have them despise u or feel as tho they are now better than u, ive seen it happen a few times...

what mechanisms does ketamine work one? neuro, or some of the feel good chemicals?


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## Jin (Apr 25, 2021)

The Phoenix said:


> Ketamine as in Special K - rave drug taken with MDMA?  Isn’t ketamine going to numb too as it is an animal tranquilizer.



Yes. Ketamine is a very promising treatment for depression. 

MDMA has been trialed on PTSD in soldiers with success. 

Psychedelics also look to be a promising treatment for a number of mental health issues. 

The whole “drugs are bad. Just say no” era is thankfully coming to an end. 

Sure, some drugs are bad and you should decline. But a more nuanced point of view yields choices those with closed minds won’t have access too. 

It’s an exciting time in new treatments for mental health.


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## Skullcrusher (Apr 25, 2021)

Microdosing


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## 69nites (Apr 25, 2021)

Jin said:


> Yes. Ketamine is a very promising treatment for depression.
> 
> MDMA has been trialed on PTSD in soldiers with success.
> 
> ...


It's a thing that I wish we could find a way to strike a balance on. From personal experience my diagnosis is both borderline personality disorder and bipolar. If I'm deep in a hole, low dose MDMA can pick me up out of it while traditional treatments will ruin my life on a day to day basis.


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## henry954 (Apr 25, 2021)

j2048b said:


> thats f uckin awesome..... i have been wanting to try it myself to see how it effects me.... is there lasting good feels for the 6 months between each dose? did she dump u once she overcame the depression ? just asking cause it sucks to help someone get better to have them despise u or feel as tho they are now better than u, ive seen it happen a few times...
> 
> what mechanisms does ketamine work one? neuro, or some of the feel good chemicals?


Why would she do that? It wasnt my idea anyway, i just supported her in the endeavor. It works for some people, yes. Ive never taken it. She is still doing well, shes out in los angeles now


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## henry954 (Apr 25, 2021)

Oh and the good feels as you call it, i would think it feels pretty good to not live with severe depression every day. So, yeah


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## henry954 (Apr 25, 2021)

If the mods say its ok, i can post the doctor we would go to


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## Jin (Apr 25, 2021)

henry954 said:


> If the mods say its ok, i can post the doctor we would go to



By all means post up.


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## henry954 (Apr 25, 2021)

His name is DR. Brooks.  NYC ketamine in the financial district. He may have other clinics. Very nice man.


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## Gadawg (Apr 25, 2021)

Psychadelics are not drugs. They are medicine that actually works. 


The founder of AA actually got sober from an LSD experience and he wanted to make that part of the program. Instead, they went with the disease model of addiction where you just white knuckle and smoke piles of cigarettes.


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## The Phoenix (Apr 26, 2021)

Jin said:


> Yes. Ketamine is a very promising treatment for depression.
> 
> MDMA has been trialed on PTSD in soldiers with success.
> 
> ...



No sir, and my no means was I being judgmental.  I just wanted to make sure I understood correctly and glad that my question also infused other discussions on therapies for psychiatric treatments.


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## Jin (Apr 26, 2021)

The Phoenix said:


> No sir, and my no means was I being judgmental.  I just wanted to make sure I understood correctly and glad that my question also infused other discussions on therapies for psychiatric treatments.



I did not read into your comment. If you’re not up on the latest in psychiatric treatments, chances are you’d be surprised to hear a “party drug” is being used therapeutically. 

It was a good opportunity to inform folks outside the mental health sphere.


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## The Phoenix (Apr 26, 2021)

Jin said:


> I did not read into your comment. If you’re not up on the latest in psychiatric treatments, chances are you’d be surprised to hear a “party drug” is being used therapeutically.
> 
> It was a good opportunity to inform folks outside the mental health sphere.



I agree. I’ve known that MDMA was used in the 70s to treat depression and other psychological diagnoses, wasn’t aware ketamine was used either. Thanks for the enlightenment.


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## Fishwhisperer (Apr 26, 2021)

The Phoenix said:


> Glad you are here Ken.
> Regards, Kyle



Thanks TP me too brother.


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## BustaCapps (Jul 23, 2021)

I wish this topic was talked about more than it is. I work at a crisis intervention center and help people that are struggling with mental health and/or substance abuse. There are way more options to help those struggling with substance abuse than just mental health. 

Mental health is real…I see it everyday and in the US it’s labeled as something is wrong with them. A diabetic has to manage their diabetes to be health so it’s no different with mental health or substance abuse.

I’ve struggled with both in my past, I was a heroin addict and have struggled with depression. By far it’s the hardest thing I’ve been through. People need a lot of support and a lot of people don’t have that. 

There will be a mental health crisis hotline “988” that is just like 911 but for mental health and the police aren’t involved unless they’re needed. It is in the final stages of being passed.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MrBafner (Jul 25, 2021)

I'm pretty sure that tren has given me a few situations where I could have easily put a noose around my neck and jump off a plastic bottle crate with thoughts in great detail.
Some of the dreams seem so real, some so sexy and others very disturbing to the point of waking the wife up and accusing her of doing stuff within the dreams.
I love tren, but is a huge drawback to me and every time I do take tren the stopping tren part I get deeply depressed.


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