Step-Father advice, please

[MrInsensitive]

My step son, who I've raised since he was less than 2 years old, he's now 16.
His father and I butt heads a LOT! He absolutely hates me. My step son, calls me dad (until he was warned that he would be punshied if he continued) This is just some context.
He turned 16 and his father bought him a brand new camero v8. My son is irresponsible behind the wheel, he's given little to no rules at his dad's and he capitalizes on that. As any Teenager would do. I don't blame him. But he often hides these things from me because he knows better. I however, stalked his tiktok to discover he's doing burnouts and riding alone and with his 16 year old best friend exceeding 100mph..
I'm extremely upset about this.
My son got his license thursday, and he just wrecked that Camaro. Hit a tree going too fast around a curve and lost it.
Don't worry, there's no punishment or repercussion from his biological father. Instead, he's now been given his dad's GSXR600 to ride (no license) it's barley 10am and he's already posted a video on the back wheel without a helmet on the way to school this morning. I'm fucking sick about it.
I'm overly emotional, I don't know what to do, I don't want to push my son away. In the grand scheme of things, I have no authority outside of my son's respect for me (if there is any left)
What do I do?? I'm anxious, I'm a mess, and I feel totally helpless.
Feelings aside, I need some advice.

 

[Santa]

Where is your wife in all of this?

 

[TeddyBear]

I assume you have.

Have you vocalized this in a calm conversation while emphasizing the concern rather than discipline?

By all means, enforce rules, be stern. But if you clearly communicate where you’re coming from and why, he may hear THAT instead. Sometimes teens need to know the why, not just what you want. They’re building their understanding of the world and pushing boundaries. Once they know the why, they can adapt.

One tip: boys don’t do well with eye to eye contact on serious conversations. They can, of course and should; that’s what women prefer. But side by side you get more out of them. It’s a primal thing: men hunt side by side, fight eye to eye. So take him for a ride for food and talk on the drive, ask him to help you with something, take the dogs for a walk.

Just jars.

 

[Send0]

what does your wife have to say about your son and his father giving him irresponsible gifts?

What amount of custody does the father have here?

 

[Kraken]

I understand the guys resentment toward you. He probably hates it that another man is raising his kid. However he still has a responsibility to act like a civil adult. It sounds like he is as irresponsible as his 16 year old kid.

My first thought is what's the kind's Mom doing during all this? I would think she is as upset as you. From a legal standpoint, who has legal custody of the kid? If the biological Dad has physical custody say half time, as you said, it will be difficult to enforce any rules.

Unlike others, I don't see sitting him down for a talk is going to do any good. Frankly, he probably understands pitting you against his biological Dad will get him what he wants. I think you, him and the kid's Mom need to have a talk and be on the same page. If that is not going to happen, if I were the kid's Mom, I would be in court seeking a change is custody arrangements. I realize the guy probably has endless money for attorneys, but you have uncovered pretty solid evidence to show a judge. Keep collecting it.

Your concern is entirely valid. My GF's best friend lost her sone to a crotch rocket, and I know a guy who list his arm and part of a leg to one.

 

[Thrawn]

I don't have stepchildren so I don't know certain legalities of things but have you adopted him? The reason I ask cuz that gives you more legal rights. If the kid doesn't have a license in and drives he is breaking the law you absolutely have to intervene. And if you know he's that irresponsible behind the wheel other people could be injured or die so again I believe you must intervene and I would not look at it as punishment I would looking at it as earning responsibility and trust. Have you tried talking to his father in showing him the videos calmly I know y'all hate each other but if the biological father is okay with that behavior that is disgusting.
Like previously mentioned I would absolutely get the wife on your side.
What you can't control is what he does when he said his dad's house but child custody laws I don't know who's rules supersedes who's and where. Is it forced shared custody or is this a courtesy you give the biological father? If it's a courtesy your rules supersede absolutely. But if he hasn't been punished for driving like a fucking idiot crash in the car driving without a license that's on y'all. That is behavior that absolutely warrants punishment and consequences.

 

[Yano]

Be a damn shame if it caught fire or got stolen wouldn't it ,,, damn shame.

Just saying.

 

[CJ]

Make sure to tell him that if what happened in the Camaro happens on the bike, his mom is going to be crying over his dead body at the funeral, and for years to come.

Boys are dumb when they're young, we all were. But plant the seed.

Have the talk in a calm, reasonable manner. Don't make it confrontational, or he'll get defensive and put up walls. If it starts to get heated, walk away, have the talk another day.

 

[Kraken]

And remember, there are other people, total strangers, who are impacted by this kid's behavior. I hope he is not so immature that he can't grasp that concept.

I raised a daughter, teenagers suck. I feel your pain and wish you the best.

 

[TeddyBear]

Make sure to tell him that if what happened in the Camaro happens on the bike, his mom is going to be crying over his dead body at the funeral, and for years to come.

Boys are dumb when they're young, we all were. But plant the seed.

Have the talk in a calm, reasonable manner. Don't make it confrontational, or he'll get defensive, and put up walls. If it starts to get heated, walk away, have the talk another day.

Some of us were angels until 30.

 

[CJ]

Some of us were angels until 30.

You weren't even you until 30.

 

[Diesel59]

There's a lot of good advice here. I'm in no position to give advice on something like this, but I just wanted to say I admire and appreciate the way that you care about him. Hopefully he will realize (if not now, in the future) how you had his best interests in mind and truly care about his well-being.

 

[snake]

Where is your wife in all of this?

This is important. My first go-to question.

Sounds like the biological father is a Santa Dad: shows up with gifts and is a great guy while you're grinding it out every day.

I boil thing down and take a simple look. Forget the fact that he's not from your seed, he is your Son. Period!

You know what is the right thing to do, so do it. They don't always take our advise but it's job to give it. The right thing is seldom the easy thing brother.

Signed,
A man who raised four young men.

 

[PZT]

Just a guess but the wife is probably the primary problem.

 

[Big-paul]

That's a tough one bro. Since you have raised him for as long as he can remember, that's a plus.

It would take a book to cover everything, but let me give you some simple advice, just continue to love him. Tell when you think he is fucking up, and encourage him when he is on the right track.

If he gets to crazy with the car, take the keys temporarily.

 

[Rickt]

Not many answers so I'm guessing one of two things.
1 you just wanted to let off steam.
2 you don't want to answer because it may pass blame to anyone but the lad and his biological father.

Sounds like you are doing the best you can. No shame in that. But people even kids must take irresponsible for themselves. Always be there for the mother and your son. Don't judge because you would like them to be different. Embrace what you have. Never know when it is gone. Help to guide but never push.

 

[Thrawn]

Make sure to tell him that if what happened in the Camaro happens on the bike, his mom is going to be crying over his dead body at the funeral, and for years to come.

Boys are dumb when they're young, we all were. But plant the seed.

Have the talk in a calm, reasonable manner. Don't make it confrontational, or he'll get defensive and put up walls. If it starts to get heated, walk away, have the talk another day.

I tell my 10yr old daughter all the time boys are dumb but with time it gets better. So she asked if I was dumb as a kid? Yes honey I was.

 

[Andrewgen_Receptors]

I'm curious... was your son always irresponsible or did this come up out of nowhere?

 

[CJ]

I tell my 10yr old daughter all the time boys are dumb but with time it gets better. So she asked if I was dumb as a kid? Yes honey I was.

Double edged sword.

I did the same, but my gf told me that all that does is teach her that all guys are bad, and that that's not the lesson that you want to teach a young girl.

I may have said more than simply that boys are dumb.

 

[Thrawn]

Double edged sword.

I did the same, but my gf told me that all that does is teach her that all guys are bad, and that that's not the lesson that you want to teach a young girl.

I may have said more than simply that boys are dumb.

Mines a nerd like me lol she gets very frustrated with how disruptive boys are in class. They use to be physically disruptive, I told her if anyone touches her with out consent (accidents excluded) and she does not brutally reciprocate she would be punished. I know that sounds bad but being an only child and timid with no siblings to fight back and learn boundaries she took a lot of shit in 1st and 2nd grade.